Tao of Bachelorhood

The only thing any Super Bowl ad made me want to get: a copy of National Lampoon's Vacation.

From Woot, purveyors of single-day, single-item deals and the legendary Bag o’ Crap, comes an amazingly perceptive blog post:

Commercials don’t just come out of thin air, y’know. A lot of time, thought, and money goes into distilling an advertiser’s product into the perfect message that resonates with you, the 18-25 year-old male with disposable income. And lots of research has shown that the message that resonates most is the one that makes you think, “I’m just like that guy.”

So with that mind, what did Sunday’s big ad-stravaganza say about how advertisers see you?

It’s true (except the demographic is 18-35, which makes it look even sillier). The much-awaited Super Bowl ads have by now been rendered into a formula:

Male Stereotype + At Least One Special Effect + At Least One Laugh at the Guy’s Expense = $ale$.

It wouldn’t be so bad if guys didn’t take this stuff to heart. Frat brothers act out the beer commercials in spades (and even drink the crap disguised as beer that’s featured in them). The guy going clothes shopping with his girl doesn’t think “what kind of hot clothes can I steer her into wearing?” but “gee, I really must be whipped!” And I can guarantee you that despite the fact that we know there’s not going to be any actual porn on the GoDaddy site, every year their servers almost collapse from an avalanche of guys wanting to “see more.” (Spoiler: the chick who exposed her GoDaddy undershirt dances around for a minute and then there’s some “humorous” punchline. Seriously, they’ve been doing this for years, you’d think guys would learn.)

Not one of these ads has anything to do with being a man. Wait, I take it back. The Coke ad where Mr. Burns goes bankrupt, but the citizens of Springfield hand him a Coke and make him feel like he’s a valued part of the community—that has a lot to do with feeling like a man.

I’m not saying some of them aren’t very funny, but don’t tell me I was the only one hoping Gene Simmons’ son would come out and slap his dad for thinking midgets were a good idea in that Cherry Dr. Pepper commercial. That would have been funny.

Anyway, read the blog post and see if you don’t nod in agreement. If you don’t, let me know.

What Super Bowl Commercials Say About You [Woot!]

Under the new rules, she has to consider you now. (Photo by nDevilTV)

Some light weekend reading: in case you’ve been away from newspapers, radio and TV this week, the big self-help book being promoted to women is Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb.

The good news for men who want a relationship: institutionally, women are being told to “settle.”

The better news for men who want a relationship: you don’t have to “settle.”

What we know is that you can do better, if you’re willing to do the work and improve yourself. A fit, well-groomed, well-rounded man is in demand.

Time magazine interviewed Ms. Gottlieb and touched on a few things that anyone reading Match.com profiles knows is true:

Q: Are women pickier than men?

A: When I asked men and women what they wanted in a partner, men were far more open-minded. They mostly talked about finding someone cute enough, kind, warm and interesting enough to talk to. Women got absurdly specific — he has to be successful but not a workaholic. He has to know how to order wine in a restaurant. He has to be stylish but not too into fashion in a feminine way. And the lists went on and on.

[...]

Q: Do women overestimate their own desirability? Is that part of it?

A: I think they do.

You can read the whole interview for yourself if you have a few minutes. And be ready for the backlash (there’s always a backlash), which is sure to feature a book called Dump Him: The Case for Holding Out for Mr. Right, Even If It Takes ‘Til You’re 80.

Is it Time to Stop Waiting for Mr. Right? [Time]

There are very few truly great men’s sites out there. Most feature reposts of softcore bikini photos from FHM or Maxim, reposts of gadget finds from Gizmodo or GDGT, and all the lifestyle help of a beer commercial.

And then there’s The Art of Manliness. I’ve raved about Brett and Kate McKay’s site before, and as time goes on I have even more respect for them and their classic-yet-fresh take on masculinity. Well, they recently completed their first book—and true to form, it’s not an e-book sold on Clickbank, it’s a paper-and-ink tome fittingly titled The Art of Manliness: Classic Skills and Manners for the Modern Man.

This book delivers on its promise in spades. If you get past the swaggering Victorian dandy on the cover you’ll find practical advice that applies here and now, for almost every aspect of a man’s life.

Its eight chapters reflect all sides of the total man: “The Gentleman,” “The Friend,” “The Hero,” “The Lover,” “The Father,” “The Outdoorsman,” “The Leader” and “The Virtuous Man.” “The Gentleman,” for example, includes tips and advice on becoming well-groomed and well-mannered, from how to fold a pocket square and iron pants to the “lost art” of wet shaving with a safety razor. If you want to know the difference between the American Man Hug and the International Man Hug, how to land a plane in an emergency or how to braid your daughter’s hair, it’s in there.

As a bonus, I found Art of Manliness to be a quick, engaging read. Where the AoM site frequently discusses its topics at length, the book is concise and well-structured, quickly laying out the steps to a tip or the case for a concept and moving on.

The thread tying these tips and trivia together is the notion that what makes a man a man has never changed—it just gets lost in the noise. A well-put-together guy still has a better shot at the women, fathering is still a manly art, and a guy who practices common courtesy as well as his fighting skills still has a leg up on both the meathead and the mouse. As on their site, much of the references here are from a “golden age” of manliness that may or may not be a tad idealized, but the information is solid.

Most of this book is just plain common sense, and you’ll find yourself nodding in agreement with advice like “Stop Hanging Around with Women and Start Dating Them” and “Give and Accept Criticism Without Coming Off as a Cad.” That’s not to say there aren’t some concepts that might make you think twice: reading the McKays’ advice on “Modern Technology and the New Rules of Etiquette,” you might realize you’ve been using your cell and e-mail less like a man and more like a cross between a 14-year-old girl and Unfrozen Caveman Computer Nerd. (Yes, it IS possible to use actual grammar in an e-mail message!)

Reading deeper, another key concept surfaces: one change we’ve suffered in the modern world is that the brotherhood of men has become less of a brotherhood and more like a loose circle of disposable acquaintances. And that, son, makes you disposable too. How many of us under the age of 50 (hell, 65) have thought of joining a fraternal organization? And how often have you planned a vacation with your buddies that involved gathering firewood or catching your own dinner? I think the McKays nailed it on the head: there’s an underlying homophobia that keeps us leery of true male friendships, and a modern detachment that keeps us closed off from (or worse, antagonistic toward) our communities.

Rant over—the point is, you will learn something from The Art of Manliness, and you’ll come away a better man no matter where you come from. The first print run completely sold out before Christmas, so if you’ve already got it, bully for you! If you don’t, the second printing is now available, so make haste before it’s gone too.

The Art of Manliness: Classic Skills and Manners for the Modern Man [Amazon.com]

I would suggest waiting until he's done with the dumbbell. (Photo by darkpatator.)

This is the busy time for fitness clubs everywhere, as people who made bold New Year’s resolutions to shed pounds or gain muscle make a valiant (or maybe just half-assed) attempt at their goal. Every day as I go through my workout I see my gym’s sales rep leading prospective customers on a tour. “Over here we’ve got 86 different exercise machines, and over there another 22 benches and platforms, and in this room 66 cardio stations.”

The visitors follow, bug-eyed, staring first at the battalion of alien machines, then at the muscular guy in the super-tight white shirt completing his dumbbell flyes with a loud grunt and dropping the weights with a crash. Then at the trio of 20-something already-thin women on the stair climber machines, silently stepping sideways and backwards and sideways again. Then at the couple performing yoga poses including (I am not making this up) the husband lying on his back with his legs up as his wife balances in “Supergirl” position on the soles of his feet.

It can be daunting for someone new to this environment. How do you use the machines? What if you get in the way of the “expert” customers? What is that thing with the padded dual armrests and outstretched swivel handles?

It’s a lot simpler than you think.

First, every machine is for a specific exercise. All you need to do is find the ones you need. They’re usually clearly marked “Leg Press,” “Biceps Curl,” etc. The most obvious machines are usually the ones you want to use. Many machines even have instructions listed on them. Get a workout plan (here’s one) and have at it.

Most gyms have a free trial period. Always use the free trial. If there are multiple clubs in your area, try them all. There are a wide range of amenities at different clubs: some have free shower towels, others may cater mostly to free-weight users. Make sure of what’s included in your membership so you’re not unpleasantly surprised when you have to pay extra to use the pool.

When you start a new membership, many clubs offer one or two free sessions with a personal trainer. This is usually to try and sell you on personal training, which earns the club an extra fee. Make sure to take advantage of the free session, and have the trainer show you everything you need to know about the equipment. Additional personal training is great if you can afford it, but if you can’t there are plenty of self-guided workouts to get you where you want to be.

Finally, your membership fee is just as important to the gym as that of the guy with the sinewy glutes. If you’re using a piece of equipment, as long as you’re obeying the rules and using common courtesy, he can wait until you’re done. You might offer to let him “work in” a set while you’re resting, though—he might return the favor by helping you with a new exercise or “spotting” you on the bench press.

There are alternatives to working out in a gym—some dumbbells, a bench and a mat can create a fitness club in your own home, and guys have even been known to train on playground equipment—but a gym is an environment with fewer distractions than at home and more equipment than a set of monkey bars. Wherever you can focus on an intense workout is where you should be, and that’s often the dedicated environment of a gym. Learn and practice proper gym etiquette and you’ll be fine.

Gyms aren’t smelly, dark places anymore—not even “hardcore” chains like Gold’s Gym. In an article in the Shawnee Dispatch, a reporter found that clubs are clean, well-lit and inviting in his aptly titled story, “Even fat, old men are welcome at gyms.” That probably sums it up as well as anything.

The new, improved version of the watch just sprays chloroform.

If you’ve ever had a girlfriend with Netflix, you probably had to watch the seminal ’90s slacker dating movie Singles. One of the minor characters was David, best friend of the main character Steve. David was all about meeting as many ladies as possible:

David: Man, check it out. My new Gor-Tech watch. I can store 20 numbers in this watch. Tonight I’m gonna fill it. All or nothing. No compromises. Tonight I’ll be the Super Me!

Steve: What if the Super You meets the Super Her and the Super Her rejects the Super You?

Later, in the movie, David has accomplished his mission and taunts Steve, who met one girl but didn’t “close”:

David: Always get the number. Steve. Tonight I got 20 numbers! Twenty numbers!

Steve: Really? You got 20 numbers of 20 girls that you will never call, never go out with, never see in the daylight. 20 numbers that exist only to make you feel like a guy who can go out and get 20 numbers.

And it’s true. Let’s say about 25 percent of the guys you see going “all or nothing” meeting women are going to get a number from someone that night. (I’m being generous.)

Out of that 25 percent, about half are going to actually call.

About half of those women are going to answer or return that call.

And out of those women, let’s be generous again and say half will agree to a date.

Doing the math, out of 25 guys who get a phone number, a whopping 3 get a date. About 1 in 10. That’s not exactly an inspiring ratio.

But what if I told you there’s a way to virtually assure that the girl you met tonight will go out with you? That you could take that from a 10 percent chance to a 90 percent chance?

The secret to securing the date

The good news is that the principle is incredibly simple, and you’ll kick yourself for not thinking of it. The secret is to plan the date before you get the phone number. That’s it!

Of course, there’s a bit more to actually accomplishing this. First, you need to be armed with some excellent choices for date venues. Put some thought into activities that women will find exciting, that put you in the best possible light, and that leave you options to move on to drinks or dinner. (Tip: don’t make the date itself drinks or dinner.)

I’ve had a couple of venues that served me very well indeed. The first was a local rock music museum. Because I’ve been in the music world, I could personally guide my date through the exhibits. There are interactive rooms where we can play music—usually in a small, soundproof room with just the two of us. Also, there was a restaurant and bar on site, making it easy to create a “virtual second date.” The second venue, well, that’s the beach. So many things to do in a beach area: walk the boardwalk, walk in the sand, throw a frisbee, get ice cream, watch a sunset…

So do a little planning. A beach or riverwalk is good, a museum too, or maybe a funky part of town where you can visit clothing stores and try on things for each other. For an evening date, if you’re a great singer try a karaoke bar. Hell, Google “date ideas” and you’ve got thousands to choose from. Just make sure you have at least a few in mind so you can take her somewhere she hasn’t been.

The hard part

Planning the venue is easy. So is dropping in the question, “have you ever been to…?” But there’s something else—you have to know when to ask.

Most guys who go fishing for numbers never bother to build much rapport with women. They go in, drop a few funny lines, ask for the digits and eject, virtually ensuring that the number they’ll get is 555-1212. You’re smarter than that. If you’ve been reading the Tao, you know there are three stages to seduction. If she only feels attraction, that may not be enough to convince her to meet you. But if you can get her feeling comfortable with you, the sky’s the limit.

Don’t ask her out until she’s showing you that she’s enjoying the conversation: she’s contributing, asking questions and displaying the physical signs that she’s into you.

One great way to steer her into agreeing to that first meeting is to have a great story to tell about the venue. Do the waves seem 30 feet tall at your favorite beach? Can you show her a photo on your iPhone of the moon reflecting on the river, with the city lights all around? Can you share how you feel when you nail your signature song at the karaoke bar, or find that awesome jacket at the thrift shop near your school? Tell a story that will draw her into the experience of going on that date with you.

For example, I would mention a certain exhibit at the music museum with a show poster. “I couldn’t believe that poster was there! It was a charity show, and my band was like 5th on the bill. But it was only our third gig, and we felt like rock stars! Playing that show was like an out-of-body experience—like a feedback loop with our energy and the energy of the audience.” Then I mention a new exhibit I really want to see there, and then…”hey, how about you come see it with me? I can show you a few chords in the guitar room, and give you the personal guided tour. It’s way more fun than renting the headphones.”

Okay, come to think of it, this part’s not so hard either.

Finalize

Once she’s excited about meeting you, settle on a date there and then. “I’m free Thursday evening and Sunday afternoon: which do you prefer?” If she can do neither, have her offer. If it’s not a Friday or Saturday night, and you really don’t have something else going then, check your schedule on your phone and set it up. The date should never be more than a week away, preferably just a few days.

Then exchange numbers. One great way to do this is by putting her number in your phone, then either texting her or calling and leaving a voice mail immediately. “OMG who is that hot guy you’re with?” is a classic. Make it clear that the number is not for “confirming.” It’s so that in case of emergency you can contact each other. “I’ll see you Thursday” is the last thing you should say to her before you walk away. By reinforcing that yes, you are definitely meeting her there and then, it will take effort on her part to not go on the date—she’ll have to specifically call or text you to reschedule or cancel. Flaking on you is harder for her when she has to work to do it.

Feel free to send a text message a short time later, telling her it was great meeting her, perhaps reminding her of an inside joke you discussed and that you’re looking forward to the great time you’re going to have.

Avoid the curse

Too many guys suffer from the curse of confirmation: giving her several opportunities to change her mind. By just getting the phone number you add one layer of confirmation (you have to ask her out at a later time) as well as complexity (you have to remind her why she should go out with you). Then you agree to “call to confirm.” In reality, you’re agreeing to give her another shot at flaking: by simply not answering your “confirmation” call she can call the whole thing off without lifting a finger.

By making the date at the time you meet her, you can “sell high” (ask her out when she’s most interested) and avoid giving her a lazy way to flake. This also shows you’re a man who can take charge and make a plan.

If David had secured 20 dates instead of 20 numbers, I think Steve would take him a little more seriously.

Don't make our Evil Booth Babe have to hurt you. Because she will. (Photo by matchity)

This is your periodic reminder that Tao of Bachelorhood is a two-way street. Is there something you’d like to see here? Have a question about a tip, a technique or a product? Do you have a situation where you could use another man’s opinion? Just let me know:

• Comment on any article. While my blog is still young, I have the ability to read and reply to every comment on the site. If you have a Gravatar, you’ll even get your cool picture beside your comment.

• Send an e-mail to bachelorhood@gmail.com. Again, I respond to every message. Ask questions about something on the site, or about anything at all, or suggest an article.

• Leave me a voice mail at (917) 475-6367. This is a dedicated number, and I try to follow up on messages within 24 hours.

• Tweet me at @bachelorhood. Obviously this is better for shorter conversations.

• Join the Facebook group. You can ask questions or make comments on the wall, or start a discussion thread. The group’s just started but after we’ve got enough members we can also start running some contests, arranging meetups and other activities.

I know all of this is on the right side of every page, but those following along with RSS readers and such don’t always see it.

The first step to getting what you want is letting it be known. Thanks for your support so far, and I look forward to helping you out in the days to come.

.

The driver of the hydrant was obviously to blame. (Photo by peasap)

In the grand tradition of the surveys where most people say they’re smarter than most people comes this one:

When Ottawa University researchers polled nearly 400 drivers ranging from the youngest to the very old, virtually all rated themselves favorably.

[...]

Young men felt the most superior.

Middle-aged men rated themselves as better than similarly aged drivers, and far superior to younger and older motorists.

Older drivers – aged 65 plus – felt most superior when they compared themselves with motorists of the same age.

Basically, this proves what we see ourselves when we’re on the road: everyone thinks they drive just fine, and it’s the “other guy” who’s the problem.

Unfortunately, chances are you’re the “other guy.”

But wait: aren’t we supposed to have high self-confidence? Isn’t it good that we take pride in our skills? Aren’t we told to give ourselves positive affirmations every day to boost our happiness and help us tackle life’s challenges?

Yes and no.

Yes, it’s extremely good to understand and take pride in what you’re good at and what you’re capable of. But what we’re talking about isn’t that. What this research finds is that guys (and women) get to a base level of competence and then declare themselves above average. Then they declare their skills complete and stop paying attention. Don’t teach me, I know it already. See, look, that guy didn’t use his turn signal. I’m obviously better than him.

It’s hubris.

And in the case of driving, it’s very dangerous hubris.

Here’s the point

The answer to this is simple: take pride in learning new things. Admit that there’s always room to learn. And don’t judge your abilities based on the worst of us—you can learn from them too. Positive affirmations don’t work. Positive steps work every time.

Yes, you may do some things better than most other guys. But no, you don’t do everything better, nor are you ready to declare victory. Life doesn’t have a finish line. The point isn’t getting there, the point is learning and growing. In the case of a skill like driving, you have a responsibility to understand that you can and must continue to learn.

Knowing what you know is awesome. A real man also knows what he doesn’t know—and takes steps to learn.

Most drivers ‘feel they are superior behind the wheel’ [BBC]