People like slogans, platitudes and mottos. From “Your attitude determines your altitude” to “Don’t tase me, bro” to “I’m lovin’ it,” they stick in your mind, for better or worse.
Today let’s talk about the most common slogans a single guy will see, whether in a pickup artist’s blog or Men’s Journal. They’re well-meaning platitudes, and while two of them are worthy of motivational posters, the other will just get you moving in the wrong direction, for the wrong reasons.
“Attraction is not a choice”
Simply put, we don’t consciously choose who we’re attracted to. When you see a hot woman, you don’t mull over her pluses and minuses before you start drooling. You drool first and ask questions later. Similarly, have you ever met a woman who doesn’t fit “your type,” but somehow there’s just something about her – you aren’t sure just what – that turns you on?
It’s the same for women. They can say they want someone tall, dark and handsome or a clean-cut farmboy or something else off a mile-long wish list, but when they’re in the room with a charismatic, confident man who commands attention, they simply can’t help themselves. It might be his smile, or his attitude, or the clothes he wears. Likely, it’s a combination of factors. It’s primal.
What does this mean for you? First, never count yourself out in advance. Second, be your best, always – you never know when you’ll be in a situation where your special something is just what she’s looking for. When you’re well-groomed, confident and engaging, more women will be attracted to you – and they can’t help it!
“Don’t apologize for being a man”
This one is slightly paraphrased: a common alternate is “don’t make excuses for your desires as a man.” However, your desires are just a subset of being a man. Example: I don’t particularly care for Hollywood romantic comedies. The first time my girlfriend mentioned possibly seeing one, I responded simply, “baby, I’m a dude.”
The real meaning in the context of meeting women is that you are a man, you are attracted to great women, you take the lead in your interactions with women, and if she’s willing you may take things as far as rattling the headboard back at your place. It’s important that somewhere down the line you make your intentions known if you’re going to get anywhere, whether or not you’re shooting for a one-night stand or a relationship.
Now, this is easier said than done – there’s a great distance between light sexual banter and firm, calibrated physical guidance and approaching a woman with the line, “I love that dress; it would look great on my bedroom floor.” But if you’re going to move things forward after initial attraction you’ll need to let her know where it’s going, and let her go if she doesn’t want to go there.
I don’t do this the same way all the time: shortly after I met one former girlfriend, whenever she’d do something to impress me, I’d give her a simmering look and joke, “it’s so on” or “we are going to your place right now – check!” Another required a more direct approach, with much less talk, because she would match my physical escalation at every turn; it literally was on, and joking about it too much might have ruined the mood.
Compare this to the guy who goes out of his way to be non-sexual, thinking it “classy” or “taking it slow.” Often he’ll “woo” this woman for weeks, or months, or even years – often without even touching her beyond an occasional around-the-shoulders-only hug – and she will see him as nothing more than a friend.
Bottom line: women expect you to want sex, to take the lead in getting there, and to not pussyfoot around it. No still means no, but that doesn’t make you wrong to want it, it just means acknowledge and move on.
And now the lie:
“Be the dick”
I understand the intent here: the most confident guy in the room, the one unafraid to take chances or upset someone, is the guy who commands attention. The thing is, you can be all that without being a dick.
First and foremost, The Dick is a dick because he lacks social skills. He uses blunt force to get his way. Will other guys go to the wall for him? No. He doesn’t smile. He doesn’t pay attention. In social situations, subtext is very important and The Dick is a loudspeaker of bad vibes. He has no true friends, and it’s only through genetics, wealth or power that he commands attention at all. Trust me, I’ve known a lot of ugly, poor and average Dicks and they’re a sad, sad lot.
The Dick also lacks real confidence – dickishness is usually borne from the “fake it until you make it” mentality, which doesn’t really work. In reality, confidence comes from taking chances and building on successes. While he may not know or care about his limitations, The Dick is actually constricted by his attitude. Oh, he may get what he wants right now, but it’s not because he earned it, it’s because people want him to go away, and he knows that.
What The Dick has that you CAN emulate is his laser-like focus on his desires – combine that with a positive attitude, a smile and even a modicum of true confidence, and you’re a step ahead of The Dick.