Attracting Better Women, and The Myth of “Up-dating”

by Michael on June 15, 2009 · 0 comments

You’ve been looking all over the Web, in bookstores and on TV for a way to meet and attract great women. Hot chicks. Babes. And what you’re finding is real-life stories of ordinary guys (or worse than ordinary) who have become girl magnets. The entire book The Game is the story of a geeky writer who becomes a total playboy and man among men, who now discards more hot women than he sleeps with.

They’ll often use the number system to describe their results: they used to be lucky to get an occasional 5, but now they’re regularly bagging 9s. What they conclude is “even a schlep like me can get knee-deep in hotness, so you can too.”

Knowing how to get the Warp Slicer does not put you in their "league." (Flickr photo by matchity.)

Knowing how to get the Warp Slicer does not put you in their "league." (Flickr photo by matchity.)

Even “traditional” dating columnists, like the usually on-the-mark Marc Evan Katz often discuss whether you should “settle” for a 7 or “hold out” for a 10. There’s a book that’s been selling well for years now called UpDating, the subtitle of which is “How to Date Out of Your League.”

Well, let’s bust that myth right away: there’s no such thing as dating out of your league.

“But,” you say, “I’ve seen them with my own eyes! Guys who look like something the cat dragged in, being pawed by a drop-dead gorgeous piece of arm candy! Duuude, there’s a whole site about that!!”

I say again, there’s no such thing, and here’s why.

The Numbers Game

First and foremost, someone’s “number” is totally and completely in the eye of the beholder. One man’s 10 is another man’s 8. It’s a completely subjective system.

Back in my starving-artist days I dated this awesome girl I met in the store where I worked. She was cute and slim with red hair (I had never been with a redhead before), had the same sense of humor, liked the same things I liked, and really spoke my language (in fact we remained the best of friends even after we broke up). I was smitten. A few weeks into the relationship, we went out for dinner with one of my best friends and his girlfriend. Later, after the girls were no longer present, my friend took it upon himself to gently and tactfully suggest that I could do much better.

“Dude, you can do so much better,” he said.

Conversely, with other women I’ve been in total “I guess I should give her a chance, she might grow on me” mode while my friends drooled over them.

Looks Aren’t Even Close to Everything

You’ve heard of “looks 10, personality 0”? Do you really want to get it on with a woman who was made to wear Daisy Dukes but talks like Larry the Cable Guy? (If that is your fetish, I don’t want to know.) I guess if you’re shooting for a one-night stand you can try to keep her from speaking, but when you want someone to stick around for a while, that’s gonna matter.

Conversely, there are traits that make a woman much sexier. Take a woman with average looks and give her brains, a wicked sense of humor, shared taste and great fashion sense, and you have a woman you can’t resist.

So now that we’ve thrown the number system out the window, let’s go back to it one more time:

It Takes One to Get One

In plain language, you have to be a “10” to get a “10.” Or close to it.

Society is an efficient market: people will usually gravitate toward those who they believe to have as much or little to offer as they do. A woman with a lot going for her is looking for a man who has a lot going for him, and she’ll work to weed out the losers. You might think a guy has nothing to offer, but if he’s with what you believe to be a dream woman, either he has something you can’t see (like confidence or social skills) or she’s lacking in something (personality, intelligence, self-esteem…).

But remember just like there are ways a woman can make herself sexier that have nothing to do with winning the genetic lottery, there are areas where you can improve your value immensely in the eyes of women:

  • Developing and practicing social skills
  • Employing good grooming
  • Dressing yourself well
  • Taking care of your body
  • Increasing your confidence

Oddly enough, these are all things I can help you with.

It’s About Value

Let’s summarize what we’ve learned here in one sentence: There’s no such thing as “dating out of your league,” but you can improve the league you’re in.

It’s up to you and the amount of work you’re willing to put in whether you hang out in double-A or make it to the majors, but either way the side benefit is that you’ll have a better life all the way around.

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