So you’ve met a woman, and got her digits. Two or three days later (depending on who you believe in Swingers) you pick up the phone, look for the number in your contacts, and then…
…you get that certain twinge of fear. We’ve all had it. “What will I say? What if she doesn’t remember me? What if I get her voice mail, do I just hang up or try to leave a funny message?” Then you put down the phone and think it through.
In the past, at this point a guy had to either sack up and make the call, or make up an excuse to call her at some future time, perhaps never. But now there’s another option: “why don’t I just text her?” I mean, everyone’s got text messaging now, right? And if you’re under about 28, all of your friends text. You can ask, “whassup,” keep it casual, use a “winky face” to show that you’re flirting, and if you get rejected, it’s not like it was face-to-face…it’s perfect!
No, it’s not.
Watch Women Use Their Phones
Yes, women do text. But they talk just as much or more. Watch the cars drive around the shopping-center parking lot sometime — every third or fourth car is driven by some girl blatantly violating local laws by holding her cellie to her ear while she tries to steer. That’s because texting is for notes, and calling is for conversations, and women love conversations (in case you somehow hadn’t noticed).
It’s a fact that women are genetically set up to get cues from direct interaction. Connection is very important to them. Also, you don’t have a relationship yet. Getting a text note is cute when there’s already a considerable bond there, but not when she might not even remember your name.
Use Your Personality
No, when you’re asking for a first date, you often have to remind her why she gave you her number in the first place. Conveying personality and demonstrating value is still important. The very fact that you texted tells her you’re not comfortable talking to her — which is less likely to make her want to go out and talk with you.
In even a quick call (and I recommend quick — even if you really click on the phone, leave her wanting more), you can demonstrate a ton more personality, and clarify anything confusing, in a way you just can’t do in a one-sentence text message.
Don’t Let Her Overthink It
Texting gives her an “out” too: instead of answering your request right there on the phone, she can ponder your offer, free of time constraints. She might show her friends your text message and ask them, “remember that guy I met at the club? What did you think of him?” Your low-risk method of asking her out becomes a low-risk way of rejecting you.
And if she’s like the many women I’ve heard from, the fact that you sent her a text instead of talking with her is a strike against you. It doesn’t matter what you think of texting: when the goal is to get a date, what matters is how she feels about it.
You can avoid this whole question by planning a date with her when you first meet. In fact, it’s the best way to prevent the “flake-outs” we’ve all had to deal with. But if you can’t do that, the initial phone contact becomes the next critical step. Visualize your conversation, think of one or two talking points, and just do it. You can either reinforce the value you displayed when when you got her number and demonstrate a little confidence, or send her “hey hows ur day?”
You’re going to have to talk to her eventually anyway, you know.