After spending the past few weeks working on a workout for you, I think it’s time to refocus on the fruits of your body-sculpting labors: finding a nice (or naughty) girl. Seriously, you can be a Greek god, but if you can’t approach a woman and read her signals you’ll still be going home empty-handed. So I’ve got a series of posts coming up that will lead you through the process of finding, talking to and securing a date with a great woman.
Today we’re going to start with the concept. Call it pickup, seduction or just meeting women, and whether your end result is hot monkey sex or a relationship that will last, the basic rules are the same.
Human Nature vs. “Tech”
The last decade was to meeting women what the ’90s were to worldwide communication: a revolution. You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a pickup “guru,” and you can find forums filled with stories of guys who went out to the club last night and managed to kiss someone. The rules of “the game” have been penciled in, edited, rewritten, filled in with ink, then illustrated.
And we really owe this explosion to the internet. Before the 2000s, men usually had to either settle for advice from the married guy they know, learn by trial-and-error, or just reconcile themselves to being alone. Now chat rooms, blogs and forums have enabled a shared body of wisdom: how it all works is relatively common knowledge, based on basic human nature. Most “products” designed to get you the girl, all the way up to the bestselling books of recent years, basically consist of this collective wisdom, packaged and presented by the shrewdest marketers.
That doesn’t mean everyone’s suddenly doing it right, though. In fact, guys who have shelled out thousands for books, DVDs and “bootcamps” are still insulting their “target” within the first minute, or wasting their time trying to “out-alpha” other guys, or being so busy entertaining her that they jump straight into the “friend zone.” These guys then flood the forums the next day, usually wondering exactly what they could have said at a specific time to get a specific response, like they’re trying to find a videogame cheat to unlock the Sword of Fire.
Feeling is Everything
They’re missing the forest for the trees. Meeting women is a flexible flow, and understanding the process is much more important than learning individual “tactics.” Sometimes you can’t win no matter what you say or do — people are still human — but you can understand what is (or isn’t) happening, and learn something new every time you talk to a woman.
When all is said and done, successful seduction is about what you make a woman feel.
Let’s say an attractive woman makes a beeline for you in a supermarket. She stands about one foot in front of you, smiling creepily, making constant eye contact and barely blinking. She starts reciting a patter about whether you believe in spells, stopping only briefly to rub your cheek stubble and ask, “what, did your razor break last week?”
You’d probably excuse yourself and briefly consider calling 911, right?
Now you see the same woman, but she’s chatting and laughing with the deli counter guy. You pass her again in the produce aisle, and as you do she asks, almost over her shoulder, “is it possible to get a decent mango here? Because I fell in love with them on my vacation and I don’t want the party to end.” She grins, and tilts her head. “Hey, you look familiar…have you been to Barbados?”
Wouldn’t you be a little more inclined to continue the conversation?
That’s the difference between memorizing routines and relaxed interaction, letting the good feelings flow.
The Three Things a Woman Must Feel
To take a woman from complete stranger to someone who thinks of you in terms of the bedroom, you have to make her feel three things: attraction, comfort and excitement. Usually this is the exact order they’re necessary. A few women will feel excitement without feeling comfort — they’re ready to have sex without even being sure they’ll be safe with you — but they’re not common, unless you look in certain specific places.
If you’re taking care of yourself and you’re at ease with others in the room, she may be attracted to you before you even speak to her. Others may not be initially attracted, but if you can approach with confidence and engage women with a smart, funny observation, you can interest her at least enough to want to talk a little more. Really, the better you really feel inside, and the better you take care of yourself outside, the bigger your head start will be.
Then again, some women may be cold to you no matter what you do. Her loss.
If you’ve managed to engage her to the point where she’s attracted and a willing participant in the conversation (her body language will help you figure it out), at some point you need to move from dazzling her to letting her know you’re on the same wavelength. This can happen right from the beginning (let’s say you have been to Barbados recently), or a little while later, but women cite “he gets me” or “we have a lot in common” as one of the most frequent reasons for liking a guy.
A grave mistake is to try and find a common ground in negative experiences, like exes or family problems. Don’t do it. And repeatedly echoing “me too!” doesn’t work well either. Instead, be observant and use the clues you see and hear to find common ground. It doesn’t have to be something you both do — it can be as small as a mannerism, or even just listening and asking appropriate follow-up questions.
Yes, I mean sexual excitement. At some point, if she’s going to go to bed with you, she’s going to have to think in terms of going to bed with you, and like the idea. The key is not to rush it. Save the dirty talk and double entendres until after you’ve found out she likes them. Excitement is built with things like casual touches on her arm or back to emphasize something you’re talking about, moving in closer in a conspiratorial fashion, and yes, kissing her.
Obviously you’re not usually going to be escalating to sex within 10 minutes in line at the DMV. You’re looking more at the first date and/or the second, unless you’re getting clear signals that she wants to come home with you now. But it’s a good idea to make sure she understands that you’re looking for more than a tennis partner. Of course, she needs to still feel comfort as well.
Like a Great Song
The process of seduction is like a good movie, or a great song — it moves effortlessly along, but also has a definite progression that builds on what came before. Most “naturals” don’t ever think about this, and once you’re good at reading a woman’s signals you won’t either.
If you’re not accustomed to engaging women in conversation, it’s a good idea to practice just that, without worrying about making her feel anything (except good about a fun interaction with a stranger). Don’t worry about whether she “like-likes” you. Just have fun.
Next time we’ll discuss what you need to bring to the table to be successful.