Tao of Bachelorhood

That's your ex's new boyfriend. Yeah, he's a Dick. (Photo by Alan Light)

“Nice guys finish last.” They say Leo Durocher coined the phrase in reference to a baseball team, but we’ve adopted it as a description of how supposedly respectful, deferential men are pushed aside by women for the “jerks.” And while it’s true that there is a segment of women who live to “fix” damaged guys, the real problem is usually with the Nice Guy—who may not be so nice after all.

But what could possibly be wrong with the guy who shows up at a girl’s doorstep with a rose, takes her out for a classy dinner and drops her off at her door with nothing more than a peck on the cheek? Can’t a guy treat his woman like a queen without her running off with the first knave to cross her path?

The Problem With Nice Guys

The first issue—and a big reason Nice Guys turn women off—is that many nice guys are deliberately non-sexual. A Nice Guy believes that women will be attracted to him because he’s not a threat, and in making himself non-threatening, a Nice Guy buries his masculinity. Buying drinks, gifts, dinners, deferring to her on decisions and letting her lead the interaction indicates a lack of confidence. Without an undercurrent of desire, there’s instead a feeling that he’s hiding something.

And this brings us to the second issue: by burying their true desires under the pretense of non-threatening platonic supplication, the Nice Guy is being dishonest. He does what he does because he expects her to reciprocate. He really does want to take her to bed and do the things people do there, but he won’t admit it. He’ll stay as far from the issue of desire as possible, hoping perhaps that she’ll broach the subject when his niceness finally wins her over. When she ultimately never does, he shuts down, or mopes, or maybe even gets mad and acts out.

Yes, I know how wonderfully romantic it sounds that a guy can’t live without this girl he barely knows (or has known from afar for a really uncomfortably long time), but if a Nice Guy is pinning his future happiness on someone else, that guy is going to blame others for his unhappiness.

What’s He Got That I Don’t?

So what is it about the “jerks” and “bad boys” that lets them steal the women right out of the arms of the Nice Guys?

It’s their confidence. Their self-esteem. Their audacity. Jerks may suffer from addictions, lack of respect or delusions of grandeur, but they also project masculinity. They may have some huge warts, but they’re embracing life, warts and all. A Jerk is his own man, but he’s definitely a man. It’s a vibration women respond to, often against their own better judgment.

What Nice Guys don’t want to hear is that they could learn something from the Jerks.

Instead of Nice, Be Real

Listen, men have desires. Women want to be desired. You don’t have to talk like a sailor or grope your date to demonstrate that you’re all man, but you do have to prove you have backbone and resiliency. Instead of worrying about showing how respectful you are to women, show how you respect yourself. You can be incredibly giving, as long as you give with no expectation of anything in return, because affection isn’t bought. Make decisions. Lead, don’t follow.

A confident man doesn’t pin his self-esteem on a date. He knows that even though this woman is beautiful and charming there’s a big world out there, and plenty of beautiful and charming women. He has the huevos to make a move—and if she rejects him, he respects her wishes and moves on. He’s going to have the greatest time tonight, and she can come along for the ride or not.

Men with integrity, self-esteem, and direction can be extremely successful with women, and they don’t have to be Jerks to do it. They’re Real Men, and women will take a Real Man over a Nice Guy any day.

The current issue of the Weekly Standard attempts a very all-encompassing piece on…well, I’m not really sure. It seems to imply that we’re going back to caveman mating rituals, but spends most of its time covering the recent history of pickup artists, from Ross Jeffries claiming copyright on every catchphrase to Mystery launching an army of geeks spouting acronyms to a couple of bloggers no one has heard of (back in the ’90s a guy like “Roissy” would just be the weird guy you’d chalk up to the idea that only weird guys wrote much on the Web).

In doing so it touches on a lot of armchair science (nothing new for the Standard, unfortunately), missing the point of its examples: in the socially crazed world of Hollywood nightclubs and fratboy cults complete with groupies (Why stop at Tucker Max? How about Carrot Top?) there are a whole other set of rules, first of which is: there really aren’t any rules.

As happens so often with the mainstream media, they’re about 2-3 years behind on the whole pickup thing, which has already evolved past what Mystery was doing with his near-mathematical formulas into a very organic undertaking that basically reiterates social skills to a legion of guys who haven’t had much chance to develop them on their own.

There’s no secret here: the guy with confidence, a sense of adventure, and some real value will always succeed in the end. And yes, that probably hasn’t changed since Cro-Magnon Man walked the earth. What’s new is the means to help guys figure that out.

Oh, and in other libido-related news, apparently there’s a cheaper alternative to Viagra: get a doughnut and some licorice and sniff ‘em. Seriously.

The New Dating Game [Weekly Standard]

A Viagra Alternative to Serve by Candlelight [NY Times]

Under the new rules, she has to consider you now. (Photo by nDevilTV)

Some light weekend reading: in case you’ve been away from newspapers, radio and TV this week, the big self-help book being promoted to women is Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb.

The good news for men who want a relationship: institutionally, women are being told to “settle.”

The better news for men who want a relationship: you don’t have to “settle.”

What we know is that you can do better, if you’re willing to do the work and improve yourself. A fit, well-groomed, well-rounded man is in demand.

Time magazine interviewed Ms. Gottlieb and touched on a few things that anyone reading Match.com profiles knows is true:

Q: Are women pickier than men?

A: When I asked men and women what they wanted in a partner, men were far more open-minded. They mostly talked about finding someone cute enough, kind, warm and interesting enough to talk to. Women got absurdly specific — he has to be successful but not a workaholic. He has to know how to order wine in a restaurant. He has to be stylish but not too into fashion in a feminine way. And the lists went on and on.

[...]

Q: Do women overestimate their own desirability? Is that part of it?

A: I think they do.

You can read the whole interview for yourself if you have a few minutes. And be ready for the backlash (there’s always a backlash), which is sure to feature a book called Dump Him: The Case for Holding Out for Mr. Right, Even If It Takes ‘Til You’re 80.

Is it Time to Stop Waiting for Mr. Right? [Time]

The new, improved version of the watch just sprays chloroform.

If you’ve ever had a girlfriend with Netflix, you probably had to watch the seminal ’90s slacker dating movie Singles. One of the minor characters was David, best friend of the main character Steve. David was all about meeting as many ladies as possible:

David: Man, check it out. My new Gor-Tech watch. I can store 20 numbers in this watch. Tonight I’m gonna fill it. All or nothing. No compromises. Tonight I’ll be the Super Me!

Steve: What if the Super You meets the Super Her and the Super Her rejects the Super You?

Later, in the movie, David has accomplished his mission and taunts Steve, who met one girl but didn’t “close”:

David: Always get the number. Steve. Tonight I got 20 numbers! Twenty numbers!

Steve: Really? You got 20 numbers of 20 girls that you will never call, never go out with, never see in the daylight. 20 numbers that exist only to make you feel like a guy who can go out and get 20 numbers.

And it’s true. Let’s say about 25 percent of the guys you see going “all or nothing” meeting women are going to get a number from someone that night. (I’m being generous.)

Out of that 25 percent, about half are going to actually call.

About half of those women are going to answer or return that call.

And out of those women, let’s be generous again and say half will agree to a date.

Doing the math, out of 25 guys who get a phone number, a whopping 3 get a date. About 1 in 10. That’s not exactly an inspiring ratio.

But what if I told you there’s a way to virtually assure that the girl you met tonight will go out with you? That you could take that from a 10 percent chance to a 90 percent chance?

The secret to securing the date

The good news is that the principle is incredibly simple, and you’ll kick yourself for not thinking of it. The secret is to plan the date before you get the phone number. That’s it!

Of course, there’s a bit more to actually accomplishing this. First, you need to be armed with some excellent choices for date venues. Put some thought into activities that women will find exciting, that put you in the best possible light, and that leave you options to move on to drinks or dinner. (Tip: don’t make the date itself drinks or dinner.)

I’ve had a couple of venues that served me very well indeed. The first was a local rock music museum. Because I’ve been in the music world, I could personally guide my date through the exhibits. There are interactive rooms where we can play music—usually in a small, soundproof room with just the two of us. Also, there was a restaurant and bar on site, making it easy to create a “virtual second date.” The second venue, well, that’s the beach. So many things to do in a beach area: walk the boardwalk, walk in the sand, throw a frisbee, get ice cream, watch a sunset…

So do a little planning. A beach or riverwalk is good, a museum too, or maybe a funky part of town where you can visit clothing stores and try on things for each other. For an evening date, if you’re a great singer try a karaoke bar. Hell, Google “date ideas” and you’ve got thousands to choose from. Just make sure you have at least a few in mind so you can take her somewhere she hasn’t been.

The hard part

Planning the venue is easy. So is dropping in the question, “have you ever been to…?” But there’s something else—you have to know when to ask.

Most guys who go fishing for numbers never bother to build much rapport with women. They go in, drop a few funny lines, ask for the digits and eject, virtually ensuring that the number they’ll get is 555-1212. You’re smarter than that. If you’ve been reading the Tao, you know there are three stages to seduction. If she only feels attraction, that may not be enough to convince her to meet you. But if you can get her feeling comfortable with you, the sky’s the limit.

Don’t ask her out until she’s showing you that she’s enjoying the conversation: she’s contributing, asking questions and displaying the physical signs that she’s into you.

One great way to steer her into agreeing to that first meeting is to have a great story to tell about the venue. Do the waves seem 30 feet tall at your favorite beach? Can you show her a photo on your iPhone of the moon reflecting on the river, with the city lights all around? Can you share how you feel when you nail your signature song at the karaoke bar, or find that awesome jacket at the thrift shop near your school? Tell a story that will draw her into the experience of going on that date with you.

For example, I would mention a certain exhibit at the music museum with a show poster. “I couldn’t believe that poster was there! It was a charity show, and my band was like 5th on the bill. But it was only our third gig, and we felt like rock stars! Playing that show was like an out-of-body experience—like a feedback loop with our energy and the energy of the audience.” Then I mention a new exhibit I really want to see there, and then…”hey, how about you come see it with me? I can show you a few chords in the guitar room, and give you the personal guided tour. It’s way more fun than renting the headphones.”

Okay, come to think of it, this part’s not so hard either.

Finalize

Once she’s excited about meeting you, settle on a date there and then. “I’m free Thursday evening and Sunday afternoon: which do you prefer?” If she can do neither, have her offer. If it’s not a Friday or Saturday night, and you really don’t have something else going then, check your schedule on your phone and set it up. The date should never be more than a week away, preferably just a few days.

Then exchange numbers. One great way to do this is by putting her number in your phone, then either texting her or calling and leaving a voice mail immediately. “OMG who is that hot guy you’re with?” is a classic. Make it clear that the number is not for “confirming.” It’s so that in case of emergency you can contact each other. “I’ll see you Thursday” is the last thing you should say to her before you walk away. By reinforcing that yes, you are definitely meeting her there and then, it will take effort on her part to not go on the date—she’ll have to specifically call or text you to reschedule or cancel. Flaking on you is harder for her when she has to work to do it.

Feel free to send a text message a short time later, telling her it was great meeting her, perhaps reminding her of an inside joke you discussed and that you’re looking forward to the great time you’re going to have.

Avoid the curse

Too many guys suffer from the curse of confirmation: giving her several opportunities to change her mind. By just getting the phone number you add one layer of confirmation (you have to ask her out at a later time) as well as complexity (you have to remind her why she should go out with you). Then you agree to “call to confirm.” In reality, you’re agreeing to give her another shot at flaking: by simply not answering your “confirmation” call she can call the whole thing off without lifting a finger.

By making the date at the time you meet her, you can “sell high” (ask her out when she’s most interested) and avoid giving her a lazy way to flake. This also shows you’re a man who can take charge and make a plan.

If David had secured 20 dates instead of 20 numbers, I think Steve would take him a little more seriously.

Wave metaphor: not just for sex anymore. (Photo by Dawn)

Last week we began the series on what you need to meet the woman of your dreams with the three things a woman must feel before you can magically transport her from coffee shop to bedroom. Later we’ll discuss the methods you can use to unlock those feelings, but first let’s talk about you.

To be successful in meeting women is to come in with the right frame of mind. If you’re grumbling in a monotone because you’re grumpy before you get your coffee, you’re not going to win hearts. Likewise if you’re jumping around like you’ve just had 10,000 volts through you, women will either double over laughing or run in terror. So today let’s look at the way your mental state affects your prospects: what you must be.

1. Be ready.

The guys who are the most successful at “the game” are the guys who see opportunities first and can most quickly adjust to the situation. Is she giving you subtle hints that you should approach? What values is she expressing to you? Did something you said just turn her off like a faucet, and what can you do to get back on track? These are all things you have to quickly process and act on. Meeting women isn’t a scripted monologue. It’s an interaction with a lot of nuance.

Before you can be really successful with women you have to master the art of paying attention. If you can spot an interesting piece of jewelry from 20 feet away, you have an instant opener. If she mentions a faraway tropical place in passing, there’s somewhere you can have her envision you and her playing in the waves. And if she mentions her fiancé in passing, you want to be ready to thank her for the conversation and quickly eject.

A conversation with a woman can take an unexpected turn at a moment’s notice. You need to find the flow, feel the flow and ride it, like a surfer rides a wave.

In rhyming terms: first assess, then address.

2. Be adventurous.

People get confused over this word: “adventurous” doesn’t mean you like something unusual. It means you’re willing to try something new or different that you haven’t before. Rigidity and timidity will sink you with most women. They sense it incredibly quickly.

The best tools in a pickup artist’s arsenal are adventure stories: tales of going somewhere or doing something you’ve never done in your life, perhaps even battling initial failure but ultimately finding the experience exhilarating. This demonstrates big-time value without requiring money or fame.

The best way to be able to convey adventurousness is to actually try new things. Book a vacation somewhere different than usual. Take some lessons to learn a new skill. Perform at an open mic night. Enter a competition.  Life is short—do it as much for yourself as anyone. The more you learn and do, the smarter and more confident you’ll become—pretty awesome side benefits.

And when you have a wider variety of experiences, you’ll be more likely to have something in common with new women you meet. You may even meet women in the process!

3. Be normal.

This is a hard one. To most people, the definition of “normal” is “the way I am.” But the better definition is “someone with social skills.” Most women will discern quickly whether you give off a creepy vibe, or an angry one, and unless they have social dysfunction in their own lives they will quickly try to put distance between you. Same with the guy who sends the message that he’s too good for her, or the guy who clearly hates his life.

To narrow “normal” further, it’s “a guy with social skills, confidence and a positive outlook.” Normal women want fun, they want adventure, and they want a guy who they can be fairly sure isn’t going to beat her, kill himself, or be marched out in handcuffs.

One signal that you might be deviating from the path of the normal is when you spend too much time alone. Get out into the world. Do some of the things in the section above and build your confidence. Make platonic friends. Guy friends. Ones that aren’t in a cult or political group. Meet and talk to a lot of people—the best way to develop strong social skills is practice. It’s like a muscle you have to work regularly to grow and maintain it.

If you’re truly feeling angry or despondent about life, do seek professional help from someone who can determine whether there’s a chemical imbalance or an underlying issue you can address and get past. “Normal” doesn’t have to mean ignorantly happy, but you should have reasonable capacity to enjoy life.

Finally, life is not a sitcom where you can constantly say or do outrageous stuff and expect a laugh track. Don’t confuse attraction and mere attention: she may not be laughing with you.

It doesn’t have to be hard

Being ready, being adventurous and being normal doesn’t mean not being you. It means being the best you. The more you can improve yourself, raise your confidence, exercise your social skills and adapt to changing circumstances, the better you will be not only with women but in life.

I know this sounds like work, but it’s really not. Experiencing new adventures and new people can be fun, and even if it’s difficult at first, the more you do it the more fun it becomes. If you dedicate yourself to nothing more than enjoying new experiences and meeting new people, you’ll be surprised how quickly it will translate to success with women.

Next week we’ll get started with step-by-step strategies for creating attraction. Buckle up, we’ve only scratched the surface.

Do you want to be more attractive to women? From our friends at Howcast (motto: “we pay by the video, so keep ‘em crankin’”), here’s, er, someone’s take on how to do it:

My apologies for taking two minutes from you that you’ll never get back. (Did you spot the complete non sequitur “fact” at the end?)

Basically, I can remove seven steps from this and leave you with their point: Be a super nice guy, heavy on the nice. The problem is that there are actual supposedly rational thinking people out there who believe this is all you need do to get a woman.

At no point does the video discuss the fact that to actually be popular with girls, you need a personality. You’ll eventually have to demonstrate that you can function in society, and that you have people in your life to be loyal to besides your mom. If you can’t, you’re just another creepy guy smiling too much and trying to give the hot girl your seat on the bus when there’s one empty in the back.

But they do get points for pointing out low lame the popped collar is.

The New York Times this week raises an interesting point: as women earn more than they used to, own their own businesses and seek ongoing education, they’re increasingly “marrying down.” And having a hard time finding the men to do so, apparently. (Well, when Gawker is calling you a “leech with a penis” it kind of…oh, right, it’s Gawker. No one cares.)

On her way out to buy...you. (Photo by MJB FL)

We’re all bachelors here so we could care less about the marriage angle. Instead, the question is, faced with a growing percentage of women in the dating pool who are more well-off and/or educated than us, can we deal?

I think we can. Personally, I’ve dated women who made significantly more than me and not given it much of a thought. And as far as intelligence is concerned, the smarter the better, and a couple of my exes have been working on curing cancer. Perhaps this should be two separate questions, because I know a few guys who would have no problem enjoying a rich girlfriend’s lifestyle but just can’t stand being the underdog in a battle of wits.

But the problem with a woman who’s rich and educated might not be the money or education at all—it might be her drive and ambition and other things that make her less soft and feminine, and more like…a man. It also may be that like a lot of us, many of these rich, educated women are in denial about the personality issues that doom their relationships, and would rather blame something that’s obviously not their own fault. This wasn’t lost on the Village Voice, who from their perch on the wrong side of the tracks echo that they’d be all over a successful woman like the Vikings defense on Tony Romo.

I can see another angle, though: a lot of guys want to at least be able to give their woman what she gives him. If we can’t contribute financially or help solve problems, what can we bring to a relationship? And are all those rich, smart women emotionally and socially equipped to clearly let their men know why they’re valued as a partner? (The answer to that second question is, they had better be.)

So back to the question: if your Match.com date pulled her Jaguar into the parking spot next to your Ford Focus to meet for your date, would it intimidate you? Would it affect how you’d handle the date?

More Men Marrying Wealthier Women [New York Times]

Women With Money Cannot Find Husbands, Times Suggests to Our Confusion [Village Voice]

Men Are Increasingly Gold-Digging [Gawker]