Tao of Bachelorhood

(Photo by thelastminute)

As I write this, we’re in the middle of the Winter Olympics: some of the world’s greatest athletes, performing feats most of us can only dream of. Can you jump off a cliff and fly the length of one-and-a-half football fields before landing perfectly on skis? Neither can I.

But there was a much more sad event this week: a man flew a small plane into an Internal Revenue Service office, leaving behind a long internet screed blaming the government for the problems in his life.

It got me thinking. What makes the difference? How do we get on the path that leads us to excel, or the path that leads to feelings of helplessness and ultimately oblivion? More practically, how can you or I take what we have (or don’t have) right now and get our lives to a better place?

What’s here is only a start, but if you’re stuck in a place where you’re feeling adrift, you really need to read this.

Define Your Own Life

Simply put, if you don’t define your life for yourself, it will be defined for you. If you believe you can do great things, you at the very least have a chance. But if you don’t believe you can do great things, you never will. We don’t stumble into greatness. It never happens to us. We either make it happen or we don’t.

Likewise, if you believe your life is a battle against forces trying to harm you, that is what your life will be. Would you rather live that life of fear or a life with meaning?

Decide what’s important to you. What do you really value? What makes you truly happy? Write it down. Tape it to your bathroom mirror. Start moving your life in the direction you’ve determined.

“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you’ve imagined.” – Henry David Thoreau

Know You’re Always Capable of More

This is one thing I’m sure of: no matter who you are, no matter the pluses and minuses in your life, you can do something more. There’s always something to be learned, a door to open, someone to touch, something to achieve.

Tim Ferriss, of Four-Hour Work Week fame, has a saying: “Doing the unrealistic is easier than doing the realistic.” The vast majority of people aim low. They choose to find a goal they can easily visualize themselves achieving with reasonable (but not too much) effort. They figure, “they’re all doing it, hell, I’ll just do it too.” File that under Allowing Others to Define Your Life.

Instead, why not look beyond the beaten path and work toward those dreams? Instead of following the textbook, write your own script. Take those dreams and start turning them into goals, then into steps. Imagine new ways to accomplish those goals.

Don’t let this intimidate you into paralysis, though. You don’t have to “reinvent the wheel,” just find the right wheel to get you where you want to go. Refining the wheel, however, is fair game.

The difference between what we do and what we are capable of doing would suffice to solve most of the world’s problems.” – Mahatma Gandhi

Understanding Yourself

We live in a busy, busy world. There are so many distractions that we can fill every waking moment with work or play. But how much time do we spend in quiet reflection? After all, before you can achieve your dreams, you have to dream.

I’ve recommended meditation before, and I’ll say it again: it’s a powerful way to help you focus your thoughts and clear the clutter in your mind. Also, I’ve found that solo road trips offer me the time and solitude to work through problems. Another way to get your thoughts down is journaling – just be sure to take the time to really get your deep thoughts down and reflect on them. And write down your strengths and weaknesses. Be honest and complete. Then work on fixing those weaknesses and maximizing your strengths.

The people with the most vivid dreams and the highest drive to achieve them are those who have spent time looking at themselves and determining who they really are.

“You have to start knowing yourself so well that you begin to know other people. A piece of us is in every person we can ever meet.” – John D. MacDonald

Living With Integrity

There’s one factor that will help you not only to achieve your dreams, but cushion you when you stumble: live with integrity. Strive to make your words and actions consistent, so that others trust you, and more importantly, you trust yourself.

Treat everyone you meet as if they could help you: more often than not, they can. From servers to phone support, executive assistants to the guy in the next seat in the bar, be consistent in dealing with people. That includes people close to you – and people you want to be close to.

“Men of integrity, by their very existence, rekindle the belief that as a people we can live above the level of moral squalor. We need that belief; a cynical community is a corrupt community.” John W. Gardner

No One Says It’s Easy

While we’re being honest: listen, anything worth achieving will take some work. The more ground you need to cover, the more steps it will take you to cover that ground, there’s no way around it. And the work may be compounded by a late start: if you’re obese, getting trim and healthy will take longer. If you’re hopeless socially and your wardrobe is exclusively no-name sneakers, khakis and polos from Wal-Mart, just a couple of quick tips won’t make you a ladies’ man.

When you’ve got a long, hard road to walk, the most important factor for success is to find a way to enjoy the journey.

And sometimes you’ll find a dream slips from your grasp entirely. You work hard and save for retirement and a stock-market crash snatches away your savings. A mudslide takes your home with it. Someone (intentionally or unintentionally) sabotages you. But almost anyone successful you can think of has faced adversity or setbacks. You can’t watch an hour of Olympics coverage without hearing multiple stories of these elite athletes beating poverty, or bouncing back from a debilitating injury, or almost leaving the sport they love only to return to greater success.

Life can, and will, throw you a curveball, or even a knockdown pitch, from time to time. The measure of a man is how he handles it.

“Life is a series of experiences, each one of which makes us bigger, even though sometimes it is hard to realize this. For the world was built to develop character, and we must learn that the setbacks and griefs which we endure help us in our marching onward.” – Henry Ford

The Trouble With Normal

I hear so many people say that all they want is a “simple,” “normal life.” The first problem with that is there’s no such thing as “normal.” Everyone has an idea in their head of what “normal” might be, but I can guarantee you that their notes won’t match. Do “normal” people cook their own meals, or eat at KFC? Do they work at a job they hate and wait for 65 to retire? Do they cocoon at home, or party three nights a week?

Second, and more importantly, the trouble with “normal” is that it can never stay that way. The people who strive so hard to maintain a “normal” life are always the most shaken when something happens to interrupt that normalcy. So instead of working to achieve new dreams, attain new goals, they work just to try and prevent bad things from happening.

Even seeking greatness can be much more fulfilling than simply struggling to be “normal” – it truly is the difference between an Olympian high and the helpless low.

There’s a growing trend of advice aimed at frustrated guys, suggesting that the solution to their frustration is that they need to “be the dick.” Or “the asshole.” Or whatever.

It’s bad, bad advice.

"Well, my watch keeps melting...and I'm not so sure this is really an iPhone." (Photo by misocrazy)

There’s a great book right now that spoofs this phenomenon, called A**holeology: The Science Behind Getting Your Way – and Getting Away with it. But it occurred to me that there isn’t so much advice out there on how to stop being frustrated by simply being a man about it.

Of course, as with most better ways, it’s not necessarily the easy way. Throwing a tantrum is really easy and there’s very little thought involved. You simply visualize what you want and scream about it and how you’re being wronged. To be a man about it is to be above petty tactics, lying or deception.

The best place to start is with the people who most often have to hear and act on our problems: clerks, servers and customer service employees.

Treat People Like People

The most important principle to remember is to treat everyone you deal with like your equal, even if you don’t initially think they are (you might be surprised). Greet clerks and customer service people like you know them. Use their name. Get them on your side before they even know what you want. Listen to what they have to say. It may not be what you want to hear, but it may help you with your next steps.

I used to go to a particular restaurant for lunch 3 or 4 times a week. The service was great but the cooks would frequently miss something—to me that was okay, I’s call the waitress over by name and tell her, “everything’s awesome except the toast got burned.” The response was always “oh, no problem, let me have them re-make the sandwich for you.” One day a co-worker who was sitting across the room with friends saw me laughing with the waitress and called me over.

“Are you dating her?” he asked.

“No, she has a boyfriend.”

He replied, “then why was she so snarky to me when I had a problem with my food”?

At this point, one of his friends told him, “tell him what you said.”

He re-created the scene, stabbing his finger down at what looked like a stray caramelized onion stuck to the outside of his bread. “What’s this?”

“Yeah, she probably thought you were being so sweet you were going to hit on her,” I retorted.

Negotiate or Hold Your Ground?

A man among men knows when to pick his battles. There are times when you will have to accept less, or even nothing.

For example, your credit card just hiked your rate because you were a day late with a payment. This is something that a rational person could expect the company to reverse completely. If you have a balance on that card, you also come from a position of strength: you can move that balance entirely to another card and this company will lose all of the interest they would have normally earned. If they don’t reverse the rate increase, it’s clear they lose.

Remember, though, that being a man means keeping your promises: if they do refuse to reverse the charge, you should have the spine to move your balance and close the account. (You might find that they have a change of heart once they see you’ll go through with it.)

Now let’s say your other cards all carry low rates but you want to keep using this card. Often you’ll call and they’ll lower your rate just because you took the time. Sometimes, though, they’ll tell you that holding the line on your higher rate is “company policy.” This is where you can probably not expect them to match your other cards’ rate, but you might get something else, like zero-percent on a balance transfer, that may financially help more than the lower overall rate.

Or your computer fails one month after the warranty expires. The letter of the agreement you have with the manufacturer says you agree to pay for repairs after the warranty ends. However, there are a number of reasons you may still get free service. A known flaw may be supported indefinitely, or the manufacturer may empower its employees to make judgment calls.  There’s no reason you shouldn’t see if you can get your computer serviced at no charge, but you should also accept that you may have to pay for your repair.

Standing your ground is important when necessary. You may need to (politely) work your way up the management chain, write a letter, even contact the Better Business Bureau or state Attorney General’s office, but every step should be done with care and manners.

You Can’t Have It Your Way Until They See It Your Way

A man among men knows exactly what he wants. When you can visualize success, you’re more likely to get it. What solution will make you happy? What solution will you accept? Be ready to propose this when you present your case.

Make sure that you’re communicating more than just the problem and your desired solution. First, it’s always good to start with what you like about the company or product, and then how the problem affects you. If you’ve been an Apple guy for most of your life, and you’ve never felt this frustrated with a Mac before, say so.  While the process of getting what you want shouldn’t be personal, the problem statement should be.

Let’s say you’ve called customer service and explained your problem and the consequences, but all the rep will say is “I’m sorry, I can’t help you.” At this point you want to make sure they understand the problem. “You understand how this is frustrating/preventing me from doing my job/preventing me from using your service in the future, right?” Then ask what next steps you can take. If they aren’t sure, then ask if maybe a manager would have more leeway.

If you ask to be escalated, make sure the rep knows that you won’t be complaining about him. In fact, the best way to start a conversation with a manager is, “I was just speaking with (rep’s name), and she treated me great but she couldn’t help me with this extremely frustrating issue…” (Yes, there are people who should never have been put in a position to deal with the public. If you’ve interacted with someone like that, you should communicate your frustration with it as well.)

Finally, make sure you document every step accurately. If you end up writing a letter to management or filing a complaint with the BBB, you want to accurately portray your problem as well as what you’ve tried to do so far.

You Can’t Have All of the Cookies

You can’t always get what you want
But if you try sometimes, you just might find
You get what you need

- Mick Jagger

No one gets everything. Donald Trump encounters failure. Microsoft couldn’t make tablet computers popular. It’s nice to think you can negotiate anything—and you can negotiate a lot more than you think—but you will occasionally run into a dead end.

The true measure of a man is how you handle things—and people—that don’t go your way. Anyone can swagger when he comes out on top, but it’s hard to be the “alpha dog” on the telephone with customer service. Everyday life is a series of interactions with people of different kinds. Being a man, with integrity, humility and grace, is as important on the phone with “Rosie” from Bangalore as it is with that girl you flirted with at the bar last night.

The driver of the hydrant was obviously to blame. (Photo by peasap)

In the grand tradition of the surveys where most people say they’re smarter than most people comes this one:

When Ottawa University researchers polled nearly 400 drivers ranging from the youngest to the very old, virtually all rated themselves favorably.

[...]

Young men felt the most superior.

Middle-aged men rated themselves as better than similarly aged drivers, and far superior to younger and older motorists.

Older drivers – aged 65 plus – felt most superior when they compared themselves with motorists of the same age.

Basically, this proves what we see ourselves when we’re on the road: everyone thinks they drive just fine, and it’s the “other guy” who’s the problem.

Unfortunately, chances are you’re the “other guy.”

But wait: aren’t we supposed to have high self-confidence? Isn’t it good that we take pride in our skills? Aren’t we told to give ourselves positive affirmations every day to boost our happiness and help us tackle life’s challenges?

Yes and no.

Yes, it’s extremely good to understand and take pride in what you’re good at and what you’re capable of. But what we’re talking about isn’t that. What this research finds is that guys (and women) get to a base level of competence and then declare themselves above average. Then they declare their skills complete and stop paying attention. Don’t teach me, I know it already. See, look, that guy didn’t use his turn signal. I’m obviously better than him.

It’s hubris.

And in the case of driving, it’s very dangerous hubris.

Here’s the point

The answer to this is simple: take pride in learning new things. Admit that there’s always room to learn. And don’t judge your abilities based on the worst of us—you can learn from them too. Positive affirmations don’t work. Positive steps work every time.

Yes, you may do some things better than most other guys. But no, you don’t do everything better, nor are you ready to declare victory. Life doesn’t have a finish line. The point isn’t getting there, the point is learning and growing. In the case of a skill like driving, you have a responsibility to understand that you can and must continue to learn.

Knowing what you know is awesome. A real man also knows what he doesn’t know—and takes steps to learn.

Most drivers ‘feel they are superior behind the wheel’ [BBC]

Like many start-ups, the underpants gnomes thought they'd fill in the details after the venture funding.

In the media, the new year is the time for resolutions: promises you make to yourself. If you’re like most of us, these promises are ultimately broken, usually before winter turns to spring.

I’ve historically done something different: every year, usually on New Year’s Eve itself, I come up with a motto for the coming year. Usually it’s very broad and doesn’t mean anything. Past years’ mottos included “there you go” and “acknowledge and move on.” Not exactly earth-shattering stuff, but mildly amusing.

But there’s one other annual opportunity to affect positive change in your life that works better than a resolution or mantra, and it all starts with a few pieces of paper.

Start With a Review

Go somewhere quiet and bring with you a pen and a notepad. The first thing you want to do is to review your past year. Start with 10 things you accomplished or did well this year. Then list 10 things you wanted to accomplish but didn’t, and what you could improve.

Be honest with yourself. It’s hard to write things like “didn’t meet any new potential girlfriends” or “over-ate far too much and gained 50 pounds,” but seeing it in black and white is sometimes the trigger you need to set positive change in motion.

Set Workable Goals

Now make a new list of goals. How many depends on the difficulty of the goals, as well as your ability to stick to a plan to accomplish them. Again, be honest here, and err on the side of fewer goals. If you achieve all of these goals in three months, you can always set more!

Goals can be personal or professional, and as small or large as you like, as long as you can reasonably expect to achieve them. Some starting points:

• Begin and maintain a workout program to lose weight or build muscle.
• Eat a healthier diet through grocery lists and recipes.
• Upgrade your appearance through new clothes and grooming habits.
• Travel to one or more foreign countries.
• Create something.
• Improve your job skills or start a business.
• Take classes to learn a new skill or hobby.
• Make a difference by helping those less fortunate.
• Improve your living space.

The goals you set must be positive: you should feel good when you accomplish them. In fact, you should feel good while you’re on your way to accomplishing them. Nothing great comes without some sacrifice, but unless you’re used to sacrificing for future benefits, make it easy on yourself.

Plan for Success

Now that you know what you want to do, it’s time to plan how you’re going to do it. On a separate sheet of paper, break each goal down into steps. The first step must be something you can do right now to advance towards that goal.

For example, the first step to beginning a fitness program might be to put on your sneakers and walk one mile around the neighborhood. The first step to improving your job skills could be to look up the job description for the ultimate position you want, and then select one qualification to sharpen.

From that first step, each successive step should be just as easy to accomplish. Break the goal down into as many steps as you need to make each one easily achievable.

Finally, visualize the day when you achieve the goal. How will it feel? What will you do then? Your goals should support the ultimate single goal of improving your life, and you should be able to picture that.

Revise Often

Remember that your goals and steps aren’t set in stone. If you discover something’s missing, put it in there. If it isn’t making you as happy as you thought, or isn’t taking you where you want to go, there’s no crime in setting it aside and focusing on a different goal. Review your goals often, note your progress, and remember to reward yourself for a job well done.

You should look forward to the whole process, not just the end product. Not every step will be fun, but you should be able to find motivation by reminding yourself of the ultimate goal and how it will feel to be slimmer, or to have a better job, or to sunbathe on a foreign shore.

And as you achieve these goals one by one, you’ll see how much more is possible. Then, sir, you’ll be unstoppable.

So simple, a lemur can do it. (Photo by audi_insperation)

Life is fast. Most of us have jobs where we’re expected to do as much as possible as quickly as possible. We drive in a hurry, eat in a hurry, and shop in a hurry. When we take a vacation, we run around like we need to see every sight before time’s up. And we’re always thinking: about our friends, our love life (or lack thereof), our job…

That’s a problem.

When you hurry, you don’t enjoy life. Working in a hurry can lead to substandard work and is a major cause of unhappy customers. Driving in a hurry causes accidents. Eating in a hurry means you don’t really taste the food or appreciate its nutritional value. And so on.

And constant thought clutters your mind. Your thoughts get scrambled. You may start reacting emotionally because your thoughts and goals aren’t clear. Instead of thinking critically, you quickly decide on what you want (or let someone else tell you what you want) and get upset with anyone who won’t give it to you. You feel stressful — especially around women.

Your life gets worse.

But taking just a few minutes a day to clear your mind completely, you can start to turn all of that around.

Not a Religion — A State of Mind

Meditation is the art of clearing your mind, and thinking of nothing for a period of time. When you can clear your mind successfully, your mind can process thoughts more easily. You’ll make better decisions. You’ll sleep better. You’ll interact more successfully with others. Creativity will increase.

The mental relaxation you’ll earn through meditation also helps you as a man: a relaxed, calm manner is an alpha trait. You’ll feel less stress around women and less anxiety about being single. Your confidence will skyrocket.

Studies have shown that regular meditation actually causes physical changes to the brain, and that those who meditate are able to better perceive the world around them. It can ease high blood pressure

How To Do It

Meditation is simple, but not necessarily easy at first, especially if you have an active mind.

• Find a quiet place. It could be a room in your house, or outdoors. It doesn’t have to be dark or completely quiet — just not loud and distracting. Quiet and dimly lit might help at first, though.

• Sit comfortably, either in a chair or on the floor. If you can get yourself into the “lotus” position, great. If not, just sit normally with your hands on your lap. Sit straight up with good posture, facing forward. Close your eyes.

• Allow your mind to clear. When you’re beginning, you’ll probably need something to distract you from your thoughts. At first, try concentrating on breathing calmly and deeply. Some slowly repeat a mantra: a soothing word. I meditate by first clearing my mind, and then focusing on chakras: areas of energy within my body, beginning at my tailbone and ending at the top of my head.

• Meditate for a short period of time at first. Even five minutes can refresh you.

• Don’t feel bad if your thoughts keep intruding. At first it can be very difficult to keep them out. But if you find your mind focusing on something or someone, or solving a problem, make note of it and re-focus on your breathing.

With practice, you should be able to quickly get into meditation mode, and work up to meditating for 10-15 minutes every day. You can set a timer, or simply finish when you feel done.

Hit the Reset Button

Not too many years ago, I was in a general funk. I didn’t even really know I was slipping into it, but one day I looked around and for the first time in a long time realized I wasn’t happy. I was physically tired, and had picked up some bad habits. I needed to step back and hit the “reset” button.

Meditation was the “reset” button.

I can’t tell you how fast things turned around for me after meditating for just a few weeks. I felt better about my life and the world, no longer wished ill on those I once cursed, and made some key decisions that put my life back on track. I was getting out, meeting new women and making new friends. Crap still happens, but I’m better equipped to deal with it.

I think you’ll see some changes right from the start. Let me know how it goes for you.

He didn't know if he'd like it until he tried it...

I’m going to leave this very simple. In two bullets of equal importance:

• Do things you enjoy.
• Find new things to enjoy.

The first point is something we all gravitate to. We all have something we enjoy. Some love sports, others play video games, still others pursue a career that makes them want to get up and go to work every day. We know life is too short to spend 16 hours every day doing nothing but tasks you dislike and then going to bed. You’ll put yourself into an early grave with nothing to show for it. Sure, you’ll always have to do something you don’t like — everyone’s got to clean the toilet sometime — but you never have to let it rule your life. A happy you not only helps you, it helps everyone around you.

The second point, however, is just as important. After a while life can become a rut. Even enjoyable things, done repetitively, can become less enjoyable. The men who seize life — the Richard Bransons and David Bowies — try new things and go to new places. Call it “living like you’re dying” or a “bucket list” or whatever you want. Start small, like a salsa class or a short hike on a well-marked hiking trail, or take that first step toward your dream career. You might be surprised that volunteering at a soup kitchen or training for a marathon might make you feel good.

I don’t really know how to go on further. It’s really simple: get out there and find something new to make you happy.

Photo by ericmcgregor

I want to take the discussion in a serious direction for a minute. There was an awful piece of news on the wire today: a man walked into a ladies’ fitness class and started randomly shooting. He killed three women and injured many others before killing himself.

The media quickly found an online diary that suggested his reasoning behind the massacre: he couldn’t find a girlfriend, and he blamed women. Actually, he blamed the world for his problems: women, his family, his boss. Really, looking at his writings, he was in need of professional mental help. But a recurring theme in his diary was that he saw himself as a normal, “nice guy.”

Not once in his diary did he stop to think he could change his results by doing something differently. By trying something new.

Very sad for all concerned.

My point in going there is that I’ve seen flashes of anger in many men — always the “nice guys” — because they blame their loneliness on women (“they all just want a ‘bad boy’ who’ll treat them badly”). Or American women (“feminism has ruined America, I need someone from Eastern Europe or Asia”).

Your Friends Are Supposed to Be Nice to You

Part of this issue is conventional wisdom. Be nice. Just be yourself. Show you care. The problem is when niceness becomes neediness, being yourself becomes not growing, and showing you care means heaping giant gobs of suffocating sugar on the one you want.

TV and movies show the nice guy winning, because it’s what we want to see — we don’t get to see them years down the line, when the nice guy won’t leave the house without his special one, won’t let her go anywhere without him, and won’t try anything in bed that isn’t mom-approved.

Your friends will tell you you’re awesome and any woman should be honored to be with you, because they’re your friends, they’re supposed to be nice to you, and they get uncomfortable when you’re unhappy. Your female friends won’t suggest that what backfired about your last date is that you wore a suit and brought a bouquet of roses to a first meeting at Starbucks. They’ll tell you “it’s romantic.” And your guy friends usually don’t know enough to be much help, aside from buying you a beer.

So with both the media and your friends telling you that being a nice guy is super awesome and absolutely nothing’s wrong with your approach, the problem must be with the women, right?

Own Your Stuff

When was the last time you were brutally honest with yourself about what you must improve? When was the last time you sat down in a quiet room, or a quiet outdoor setting, cleared your mind and just listened to the wind? When was the last time you made a full effort to see yourself as someone else does?

I have a saying I use with my friends: everyone’s got their stuff. It means we all have our issues, our baggage, from childhood and beyond. Something someone said to us that was awful but we took it to heart, or something we know we do wrong yet we keep on doing it, or a security blanket we just can’t give up.

The important thing here is that no matter where you picked it up, it’s your stuff. You can keep it or reject it. Sometimes it’s hard to reject it — there’s zero shame in getting help with that, whether it’s someone like me or a psychologist or dream analyst. If you can’t deal with your stuff, you have no right to expect to bring it into a relationship. When you’re happy with yourself, when you have a manageable level of stuff, and when you can love and respect yourself, then it’s time to start thinking about a relationship.

Dating is an Efficient Market

In days gone by, we often didn’t leave our small towns. If we dated or got married, it had to be within the relatively small pool of women where we lived. Maybe there were far more men, meaning you either lost out to some other guy or had to “settle” for whoever you could get. Or maybe there were far more women, and all you had to do to get a date was to say “yes” when asked. That’s the way it was and you liked it.

In marketing terms, the market was inefficient. The product — you — often sold for far more or less than it was worth.

Now there are online sites featuring thousands of members, Meetup groups and mix-n-mingle events in every city. There are matchmakers with hundreds of women in their portfolios. You can meet a woman in your town, or New York City, or Miami, or Belfast or Sydney.

The market is now efficient, even within a country like the US. If millions of women reject you, I can assure you the problem is not with your customers.

If your product isn’t selling, you have two options:

• Improve your product.
• Work on your marketing.

The obvious choice here is to improve your product; that is, improve yourself. Get out into the world, become more fit, better dressed and groomed, more social, and build confidence. The upside is incredible and goes far beyond dating, while the downside is minimal. Start meditating. Learn some basic “pickup” skills and practice them.

On the other hand, if you’re trying to date the old-fashioned way, you’re not using your full market. Take some classes, go to mingling events and Meetups. Sign up for Match.com or Plenty Of Fish.

Stop Being Nice, Start Being Great

If you take away anything from this article, it should be this: being “nice” isn’t enough.

Let me tell you something else about me: I am, and have always, had the qualities of a “nice guy.” When I was a teenager, those were most of the qualities I had, as evidenced by the girls I dated who realized I was “too good” for them (recognize that rejection?).

But over the years I’ve also developed skills and talents beyond “niceness” that make me what I am now. I’m comfortable in my own skin; I can get out of my comfort zone. I interact with women I like in ways that let them know I have high value, like teasing and not putting up with “games.”

I am not a “nice guy.” I’m a complex, multifaceted guy who also happens to be nice. I take responsibility for my life and my happiness.

That’s what women want — and what you should give them. Because it’s also a gift to yourself.