Now this...THIS is humiliation. (Photo by TenSafeFrogs)
A fitting end to National Singles Week is the news (actually a couple of weeks old, mostly because the media kind of whispered it) that Sean McGinn has dropped his lawsuit against Match.com. Citing the “amount of ridicule” he received from “sensationalized media coverage,” McGinn has chosen to recede into the background, presumably with the woman his lawyer says he met on the service.
The problem here is not entirely with McGinn himself. No doubt he became frustrated and maybe even angry because he wasn’t getting the online responses he thought he deserved. (Sean, if you’re reading this, save this link and use it next time you try online dating.) But my guess is that the words “humiliation,” “fear of rejection” and “anxiety” weren’t his own. Furthermore, his lawyer had rounded up 15 more “ignored and rejected” singles in order to achieve class-action status for the suit. No one involved seemed to anticipate the sad humor involved in portraying a man as racked with emotion over LuvToTrvl1818 not responding to his winks.
That’s not to say this couldn’t have been avoided. In my previous post on the matter I said about all that needs to be said: you’re in charge of how you deal with dating, not the site nor the women. But I’ll add one more thing: the minute you look for public sympathy, you can also expect some public ridicule. This rule applies whether “going public” means suing Match.com, breaking up by changing your Facebook status, or Tweeting about your moldy apartment.
But basic manly skills can help you with even this. Build your confidence and apply critical thinking to what you’re hoping to accomplish and the risks involved, then either go in with your eyes wide open or maybe take a different approach.
The Electric Thinking Cap Upgrade. (Flickr photo by Hoggheff aka Hank Ashby)
I think that modern politics is an enormous insult to our intelligence. I realized that after talking to a number of friends and acquaintances, most of whom seemed to have formed well-thought-out positions on Michael Jackson’s behavior with children, while generally being quick to dismiss any input that contradicted their belief systems when it came to political issues like global climate change and the effectiveness of the economic stimulus.
One reason for this is that in politics we’re likely to have pre-formed beliefs passed down to us via our home environment, while celebrity news culture is new and we had to grow into it.
Politics also preys on the human need to belong: are you in the Liberal gang, or the Conservative gang, or the Socialist gang, or the Libertarian gang? Well, if you’re gonna be in our gang you had better be ready to rumble with us against those other gangs. Here are the instructions. We might even need you for a drive-by or two. Be ready to fight.
Yet another is politicians who are far from pragmatic, at least when the cameras are on: every bill they favor is going to save us, every bill they oppose is going to kill us. Watch this clip from The Daily Show for a current example. (It’s all funny, but the relevant bit starts at about 3:20.)
Finally there are the political talk-host entertainers like Sean Hannity and Keith Olbermann who make their livings as caricatures: to maintain rabid followings, they must be rabid themselves. There’s enormous money in political “hot talk” and there will always be someone willing to say whatever is necessary to scoop up that cash.
That’s No Excuse
But you know what? If you offer an opinion but can’t say you’ve weighed both sides of an issue, the fault isn’t your parents or politicians or the media – it’s you.
As a human being, you’re gifted with a brain that can grasp a complex issue or concept, gain an unbiased understanding of it, and then form an opinion based on purposeful, reflective thought. So why don’t you?
Use a Process
The best way to form an opinion – really, the only way, if you want that opinion to carry any weight – is to use critical thinking: a process of gathering information, understanding biases and thinking an issue or problem through for yourself. There are some very long dissertations on critical thinking out there, which quite frankly might bore you into not trying it. So I’m going with a smaller set of tips from Copyblogger that you can use even with limited information:
Pay attention to details, down to the language used.
Before trusting an “expert,” look at his credentials.
Watch for over-generalization and fallacies (politicians and commentators are masters at using fallacies to prop up a soundbite-size argument).
Acknowledge your own bias.
That should be enough to at least understand whether a news article is giving you enough information, or how a talk-show host is spinning an issue.
Know Your Enemy
From Sun Tzu to Abraham Lincoln, the brightest minds have practiced what was summed up in The Godfather Part II: “Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.” This also applies to ideas you don’t like. If you plan to form an opinion on something, you should know the opposing opinion in detail. If you can passionately argue both sides of an issue, you’re getting somewhere.
Talk-radio hosts often riff sarcastically on an out-of-context sound bite or cherrypicked “facts.” You’re better than that.
Question Your Heroes
I recently watched the movie Alexander, about Alexander the Great: a brilliant tactician and charismatic leader with progressive ideas for his time, he would let his drive get the best of him. His greatest assets turned out to be his longtime friends who served as commanders and generals, who questioned the wisdom of his more dubious moves. Alexander literally ignored them at his own peril. (The movie? It was just okay.)
Nobody is right all the time. Ever hear the mutual fund disclaimer, “past performance cannot guarantee future results”? It works that way with people too. And where someone has to stand or fall on their own position and neither would cause harm, it’s fine to give a hero or leader or boss the benefit of the doubt. But where you must take action, or that decision could prove harmful, reasoned dissent can be more productive than blindly following.
And if your hero is the type of person you thought he was, he should welcome thoughtful dissent.
There Is No “Wrong”
It can hard to be wrong. There’s a growing trend, especially among the anonymous on the Internet, of deriding others for their (real or perceived) errors in judgment, while denying ever being wrong themselves. Like an expert lawyer, some people find a way to wriggle out of a previously unequivocal opinion once it’s disproven.
The answer is to divorce yourself from “right” and “wrong.” Black-and-white sides rarely exist, and critical thinking only proves it. If you can grasp the both the good and bad in an issue, you can divorce yourself from most of the ill will that comes from choosing up sides and going to war.
Don’t Sweat The Small Things
Finally, there’s no shame in simply not voicing an opinion on something that really doesn’t matter to you. My opinion on Michael Jackson is that I don’t know what went on behind his closed doors, and that forming an opinion based on that limited information offers me nothing but wasted time. (I have beliefs on climate change and the stimulus’ effect, but they’re much too long. E-mail me if you’re really interested.)
Remember, you can always say what you think – at least here in America – but it’s only polite to preface it with “I think.”
The Total Man series of posts will feature principles that will make you more successful in all areas of your life. If there’s one single piece of advice I could give to every man, woman and child, it would be: pay attention. Every day I watch people who stumble through their daily lives, not paying [...]
Right now let’s address the unhappiness, because you’ll find being happy resolves many of your problems with being single. You don’t enjoy the process of life. We live in a very results-oriented world, at least here in the U.S. It could be argued that the entire economic downturn we’re facing is due to people looking [...]
Get Tao of Bachelorhood updates delivered to your inbox, plus newsletters, contests and more! And if you subscribe now you'll get the revised Simple Starter Workout e-book absolutely free!