Tao of Bachelorhood

The new, improved version of the watch just sprays chloroform.

If you’ve ever had a girlfriend with Netflix, you probably had to watch the seminal ’90s slacker dating movie Singles. One of the minor characters was David, best friend of the main character Steve. David was all about meeting as many ladies as possible:

David: Man, check it out. My new Gor-Tech watch. I can store 20 numbers in this watch. Tonight I’m gonna fill it. All or nothing. No compromises. Tonight I’ll be the Super Me!

Steve: What if the Super You meets the Super Her and the Super Her rejects the Super You?

Later, in the movie, David has accomplished his mission and taunts Steve, who met one girl but didn’t “close”:

David: Always get the number. Steve. Tonight I got 20 numbers! Twenty numbers!

Steve: Really? You got 20 numbers of 20 girls that you will never call, never go out with, never see in the daylight. 20 numbers that exist only to make you feel like a guy who can go out and get 20 numbers.

And it’s true. Let’s say about 25 percent of the guys you see going “all or nothing” meeting women are going to get a number from someone that night. (I’m being generous.)

Out of that 25 percent, about half are going to actually call.

About half of those women are going to answer or return that call.

And out of those women, let’s be generous again and say half will agree to a date.

Doing the math, out of 25 guys who get a phone number, a whopping 3 get a date. About 1 in 10. That’s not exactly an inspiring ratio.

But what if I told you there’s a way to virtually assure that the girl you met tonight will go out with you? That you could take that from a 10 percent chance to a 90 percent chance?

The secret to securing the date

The good news is that the principle is incredibly simple, and you’ll kick yourself for not thinking of it. The secret is to plan the date before you get the phone number. That’s it!

Of course, there’s a bit more to actually accomplishing this. First, you need to be armed with some excellent choices for date venues. Put some thought into activities that women will find exciting, that put you in the best possible light, and that leave you options to move on to drinks or dinner. (Tip: don’t make the date itself drinks or dinner.)

I’ve had a couple of venues that served me very well indeed. The first was a local rock music museum. Because I’ve been in the music world, I could personally guide my date through the exhibits. There are interactive rooms where we can play music—usually in a small, soundproof room with just the two of us. Also, there was a restaurant and bar on site, making it easy to create a “virtual second date.” The second venue, well, that’s the beach. So many things to do in a beach area: walk the boardwalk, walk in the sand, throw a frisbee, get ice cream, watch a sunset…

So do a little planning. A beach or riverwalk is good, a museum too, or maybe a funky part of town where you can visit clothing stores and try on things for each other. For an evening date, if you’re a great singer try a karaoke bar. Hell, Google “date ideas” and you’ve got thousands to choose from. Just make sure you have at least a few in mind so you can take her somewhere she hasn’t been.

The hard part

Planning the venue is easy. So is dropping in the question, “have you ever been to…?” But there’s something else—you have to know when to ask.

Most guys who go fishing for numbers never bother to build much rapport with women. They go in, drop a few funny lines, ask for the digits and eject, virtually ensuring that the number they’ll get is 555-1212. You’re smarter than that. If you’ve been reading the Tao, you know there are three stages to seduction. If she only feels attraction, that may not be enough to convince her to meet you. But if you can get her feeling comfortable with you, the sky’s the limit.

Don’t ask her out until she’s showing you that she’s enjoying the conversation: she’s contributing, asking questions and displaying the physical signs that she’s into you.

One great way to steer her into agreeing to that first meeting is to have a great story to tell about the venue. Do the waves seem 30 feet tall at your favorite beach? Can you show her a photo on your iPhone of the moon reflecting on the river, with the city lights all around? Can you share how you feel when you nail your signature song at the karaoke bar, or find that awesome jacket at the thrift shop near your school? Tell a story that will draw her into the experience of going on that date with you.

For example, I would mention a certain exhibit at the music museum with a show poster. “I couldn’t believe that poster was there! It was a charity show, and my band was like 5th on the bill. But it was only our third gig, and we felt like rock stars! Playing that show was like an out-of-body experience—like a feedback loop with our energy and the energy of the audience.” Then I mention a new exhibit I really want to see there, and then…”hey, how about you come see it with me? I can show you a few chords in the guitar room, and give you the personal guided tour. It’s way more fun than renting the headphones.”

Okay, come to think of it, this part’s not so hard either.

Finalize

Once she’s excited about meeting you, settle on a date there and then. “I’m free Thursday evening and Sunday afternoon: which do you prefer?” If she can do neither, have her offer. If it’s not a Friday or Saturday night, and you really don’t have something else going then, check your schedule on your phone and set it up. The date should never be more than a week away, preferably just a few days.

Then exchange numbers. One great way to do this is by putting her number in your phone, then either texting her or calling and leaving a voice mail immediately. “OMG who is that hot guy you’re with?” is a classic. Make it clear that the number is not for “confirming.” It’s so that in case of emergency you can contact each other. “I’ll see you Thursday” is the last thing you should say to her before you walk away. By reinforcing that yes, you are definitely meeting her there and then, it will take effort on her part to not go on the date—she’ll have to specifically call or text you to reschedule or cancel. Flaking on you is harder for her when she has to work to do it.

Feel free to send a text message a short time later, telling her it was great meeting her, perhaps reminding her of an inside joke you discussed and that you’re looking forward to the great time you’re going to have.

Avoid the curse

Too many guys suffer from the curse of confirmation: giving her several opportunities to change her mind. By just getting the phone number you add one layer of confirmation (you have to ask her out at a later time) as well as complexity (you have to remind her why she should go out with you). Then you agree to “call to confirm.” In reality, you’re agreeing to give her another shot at flaking: by simply not answering your “confirmation” call she can call the whole thing off without lifting a finger.

By making the date at the time you meet her, you can “sell high” (ask her out when she’s most interested) and avoid giving her a lazy way to flake. This also shows you’re a man who can take charge and make a plan.

If David had secured 20 dates instead of 20 numbers, I think Steve would take him a little more seriously.

Wave metaphor: not just for sex anymore. (Photo by Dawn)

Last week we began the series on what you need to meet the woman of your dreams with the three things a woman must feel before you can magically transport her from coffee shop to bedroom. Later we’ll discuss the methods you can use to unlock those feelings, but first let’s talk about you.

To be successful in meeting women is to come in with the right frame of mind. If you’re grumbling in a monotone because you’re grumpy before you get your coffee, you’re not going to win hearts. Likewise if you’re jumping around like you’ve just had 10,000 volts through you, women will either double over laughing or run in terror. So today let’s look at the way your mental state affects your prospects: what you must be.

1. Be ready.

The guys who are the most successful at “the game” are the guys who see opportunities first and can most quickly adjust to the situation. Is she giving you subtle hints that you should approach? What values is she expressing to you? Did something you said just turn her off like a faucet, and what can you do to get back on track? These are all things you have to quickly process and act on. Meeting women isn’t a scripted monologue. It’s an interaction with a lot of nuance.

Before you can be really successful with women you have to master the art of paying attention. If you can spot an interesting piece of jewelry from 20 feet away, you have an instant opener. If she mentions a faraway tropical place in passing, there’s somewhere you can have her envision you and her playing in the waves. And if she mentions her fiancé in passing, you want to be ready to thank her for the conversation and quickly eject.

A conversation with a woman can take an unexpected turn at a moment’s notice. You need to find the flow, feel the flow and ride it, like a surfer rides a wave.

In rhyming terms: first assess, then address.

2. Be adventurous.

People get confused over this word: “adventurous” doesn’t mean you like something unusual. It means you’re willing to try something new or different that you haven’t before. Rigidity and timidity will sink you with most women. They sense it incredibly quickly.

The best tools in a pickup artist’s arsenal are adventure stories: tales of going somewhere or doing something you’ve never done in your life, perhaps even battling initial failure but ultimately finding the experience exhilarating. This demonstrates big-time value without requiring money or fame.

The best way to be able to convey adventurousness is to actually try new things. Book a vacation somewhere different than usual. Take some lessons to learn a new skill. Perform at an open mic night. Enter a competition.  Life is short—do it as much for yourself as anyone. The more you learn and do, the smarter and more confident you’ll become—pretty awesome side benefits.

And when you have a wider variety of experiences, you’ll be more likely to have something in common with new women you meet. You may even meet women in the process!

3. Be normal.

This is a hard one. To most people, the definition of “normal” is “the way I am.” But the better definition is “someone with social skills.” Most women will discern quickly whether you give off a creepy vibe, or an angry one, and unless they have social dysfunction in their own lives they will quickly try to put distance between you. Same with the guy who sends the message that he’s too good for her, or the guy who clearly hates his life.

To narrow “normal” further, it’s “a guy with social skills, confidence and a positive outlook.” Normal women want fun, they want adventure, and they want a guy who they can be fairly sure isn’t going to beat her, kill himself, or be marched out in handcuffs.

One signal that you might be deviating from the path of the normal is when you spend too much time alone. Get out into the world. Do some of the things in the section above and build your confidence. Make platonic friends. Guy friends. Ones that aren’t in a cult or political group. Meet and talk to a lot of people—the best way to develop strong social skills is practice. It’s like a muscle you have to work regularly to grow and maintain it.

If you’re truly feeling angry or despondent about life, do seek professional help from someone who can determine whether there’s a chemical imbalance or an underlying issue you can address and get past. “Normal” doesn’t have to mean ignorantly happy, but you should have reasonable capacity to enjoy life.

Finally, life is not a sitcom where you can constantly say or do outrageous stuff and expect a laugh track. Don’t confuse attraction and mere attention: she may not be laughing with you.

It doesn’t have to be hard

Being ready, being adventurous and being normal doesn’t mean not being you. It means being the best you. The more you can improve yourself, raise your confidence, exercise your social skills and adapt to changing circumstances, the better you will be not only with women but in life.

I know this sounds like work, but it’s really not. Experiencing new adventures and new people can be fun, and even if it’s difficult at first, the more you do it the more fun it becomes. If you dedicate yourself to nothing more than enjoying new experiences and meeting new people, you’ll be surprised how quickly it will translate to success with women.

Next week we’ll get started with step-by-step strategies for creating attraction. Buckle up, we’ve only scratched the surface.

The New York Times this week raises an interesting point: as women earn more than they used to, own their own businesses and seek ongoing education, they’re increasingly “marrying down.” And having a hard time finding the men to do so, apparently. (Well, when Gawker is calling you a “leech with a penis” it kind of…oh, right, it’s Gawker. No one cares.)

On her way out to buy...you. (Photo by MJB FL)

We’re all bachelors here so we could care less about the marriage angle. Instead, the question is, faced with a growing percentage of women in the dating pool who are more well-off and/or educated than us, can we deal?

I think we can. Personally, I’ve dated women who made significantly more than me and not given it much of a thought. And as far as intelligence is concerned, the smarter the better, and a couple of my exes have been working on curing cancer. Perhaps this should be two separate questions, because I know a few guys who would have no problem enjoying a rich girlfriend’s lifestyle but just can’t stand being the underdog in a battle of wits.

But the problem with a woman who’s rich and educated might not be the money or education at all—it might be her drive and ambition and other things that make her less soft and feminine, and more like…a man. It also may be that like a lot of us, many of these rich, educated women are in denial about the personality issues that doom their relationships, and would rather blame something that’s obviously not their own fault. This wasn’t lost on the Village Voice, who from their perch on the wrong side of the tracks echo that they’d be all over a successful woman like the Vikings defense on Tony Romo.

I can see another angle, though: a lot of guys want to at least be able to give their woman what she gives him. If we can’t contribute financially or help solve problems, what can we bring to a relationship? And are all those rich, smart women emotionally and socially equipped to clearly let their men know why they’re valued as a partner? (The answer to that second question is, they had better be.)

So back to the question: if your Match.com date pulled her Jaguar into the parking spot next to your Ford Focus to meet for your date, would it intimidate you? Would it affect how you’d handle the date?

More Men Marrying Wealthier Women [New York Times]

Women With Money Cannot Find Husbands, Times Suggests to Our Confusion [Village Voice]

Men Are Increasingly Gold-Digging [Gawker]

If you haven’t heard of Howcast, you’re missing out. From how to escape from kidnappers to how to play rock-paper-scissors, it’s a treasure trove of video advice.

Often dodgy advice, sometimes advice you really didn’t need in the first place, but advice nonetheless. They try hard.

How to be Better at Small Talk

For your weekend enjoyment I present some of Howcast’s “how to get girls” riffs, starting with the art of making conversation (aka working a room) with a paper drawing of a woman at a bar. Maybe the dude’s getting back at his girlfriend for running off with the guy from A-ha.

How to Ask Out a Girl

Then, who needs “game” when you’ve got Howcast to show you exactly how to secure a date with the hottest loudly-striped-shirt-wearing babe at the pub? Learn well, because they’re also teaching her how to ignore you. Pay close attention to the pre-asking effort that goes into site selection for the potential date. Apparently he chose the playground.

How to Impress a Woman on a Date

After you’ve procured that hottie and found just the right British East India Company-themed eatery, here are some tips on the wining and dining. You’ll need: money! Oh, and John Waters called, he wants his mustache back.

How to Seduce a Woman

When you really need to bring out the big guns, Howcast’s video gurus have that covered too: tell her you love her and then make her jump out of an airplane with you. Just don’t listen to advice from The Fonz. And I look forward to the pickup gurus taking off with this trend of using cartoon bunnies in their instructional videos.

How to Make a Move on a Girl While Watching a Movie on a Couch

Now, with the economy all bad and stuff, you may want to just have her come over and watch a nice, platonic movie. (Anything whose title begins with Star Wars or Lord of the Rings is plenty platonic.) The goal is to skootch up to her and have your tentacles wrapped around her before she even knows it. That’s where this next video comes in. (Sometimes I think they might not even be taking this stuff seriously.)

And finally, when you follow the advice above a little too closely, here’s what to expect from that one special girl. (Little did I know that an “ex-parte” wasn’t a shindig your old girlfriend throws for you because she’s sorry she broke up with you.)

There are tons more where these came from. If you’ve learned anything today, God help you.

[Howcast.com]

Can't buy you love, except in Vegas. (Photo by AMagill)

The argument about whether chivalry is or isn’t “dead” has been raging for, well, about as long as there’s been a definition for the word “chivalry.”

Unfortunately, the biggest problem I see is that no one’s really sure what it is.

Today Steve Santigati (the guy who supposedly inspired The Ugly Truth, to which I say please try not to inspire a sequel) went on a long diatribe about whether women are “killing” chivalry. Unfortunately, the entire post as about money. Should a guy spring for the check, should he buy expensive gifts, money, money, money.

We’ve already discussed whether or not you should pay the tab on a date. There’s not much debate there, although it’s curious that despite Steve’s supposed bad-boy attitude, he believes in paying for all the dates for the first couple months of a relationship. I certainly wouldn’t go that far, but the responsibility at the very beginning is yours.

But that’s not what chivalry is. Not even close.

I don’t blame Steve for thinking that — in fact I’d guess that most guys (and a few women) think it has something to do with buying dinners and expensive gifts. There are men who will pull out their wallet at the drop of a hat to “prove” they’re worthy of the woman they’re with.

But chivalry is actually a code of knighthood from medieval times, and what we normally refer to is its application to relationships. And you can be chivalrous without much money at all, by using a secret ninja trick called common courtesy.

When you’re both getting in your car, open her door and let her in first so she doesn’t have to stand around outside. At a restaurant, if her chair is tucked under the table when you arrive, pull it out for her. If she’s walking behind you through a door, don’t let it close on her. If she’s cold, lend her your coat. If she’s wet, hold the umbrella.

Simple. Easy. Free.

Is it dead? Well, if you believe common courtesy is dead — and some do — then maybe. But that’s not women’s fault, and by not following at least some of this code, guys really mess with their chances of getting that second, third or fourth date. No one likes some goon in front of them blowing through a door without paying attention to whether someone is right behind, but at least when a guy does it in front of me, I can chalk it up to a really stupid attempt at being “alpha.” When it’s your date behind you, she’ll just think you’re socially inept.

In reality, though, I see plenty of guys loosely observing the code of chivalry. It may no longer passed down from father to son, but it’s out there. It’s compatible with “game.” And now that you understand it, you have a leg up on guys who don’t.

I thought Rule 1 was "don't talk about Hair Club."

I hope you had a great Halloween. I’ve said before that it’s my favorite holiday, and this one didn’t disappoint. Good friends (in good costumes), good booze and good music conspired for an awesome night. Next up, holiday-wise: a Thanksgiving ski trip.

In baseball news, the Yomiuri Giants just beat the Nippon Ham Fighters 7-4 Tuesday in Game 3 of the Japan Series. (First guy to refer to the latter team as the “Ham Fighters” gets punched in the throat. That includes you, Costas.)

Don’t forget, I’m growing a mustache for Movember. Donate if you can.

• The Real Enemy is the Asshole: Sympathy for the skeezy sees the journalist taking on the world of pickup artists, and discovering the truth that as much as they want to be accepted by women, they also want to be accepted by each other. [Las Vegas Weekly]

• “And You Also Have Two Ears. Excellent”: You’re Beautiful is David Wygant again slapping down guys who try and make a business out of bad pickup ideas. David rules. [davidwygant.com]

• And Don’t Forget to Not Steal Their Purses: 10 Things Men Do to NOT get a second date is not only awkwardly capitalized, it’s almost a list that goes without saying — although the insistence that women never, ever “go psycho” is kind of funny in a way that makes me think the author might be a little, um, [whistles]. [PowderRoomTalk]

• The ‘Duh’ Desk, Open 24/7: More screen time may mean less lean time tells you that if you watch a lot of TV, you’re at risk of getting fat. Apparently science needed to prove it. [LA Times]

• Best Headline Ever: Kate Hudson: Men All Think with A Rod. Didn’t read it. Didn’t have to. [fashion.ie]

• Hell, Just Walk to Work: A Marathon Run in the Slow Lane is a counterpoint to the Times’ article on the folks who make a day of it. Point being, exercise is exercise — who cares if the support staff has to wait because you ate lunch after mile 15? [NY Times]

• More on Movember: Movember Foundation promotes mustache growing for cancer awareness has a little more background. Grow that mo! [LA Times]

My thoughts exactly.

The week before Halloween, and it’s kind of quiet. I’ve got my costume, have been growing out my beard especially for it (No, I’m going neither as ZZ Top nor Band of Horses) and I’ve got my connection for easy party access. If you don’t have your costume, I just wrote something that might help.

So let’s get on with the hot link action:

• Eating a Steak is Cheaper: Testosterone drives men to buy fast cars is a little misleading: it’s driving the cars that boosts the T, not the buying. “It’s literally the peacock’s tail. It’s the human version,” the researcher said, explaining why so many are driven by guys who have lost most of their head feathers. [cbc.ca]

• In Case You Missed It…How?: Drink’s iPhone ‘App’ Gets Anger Flowing is a rundown of the controversy over the “Amp Up Before You Score” application, in which AdFreak asks the question, “Does anyone not dislike Amp’s iPhone app?” Right over here, buddy. [Wall Street Journal]

• Not Letting Amp Get All the Resentment: Remington Launches “The Face of Success” details the new site from the electric shaver company, wherein you select from a range of facial hair styles before heading out to pick up fantasy computer women in Vegas. Kind of like World of Warcraft for someone who can’t make friends online. [MarketWire]

• Football and Fart Jokes Too: WHY DO MEN LOVE BEARDS WHEN WOMEN HATE THEM? the author asks, in his all-caps glory. It seems England has gone beard-crazy now that David Beckham has spent his summer in America cultivating a hair farm, but the Mail places the blame on another favorite son: “George Michael is most to blame for this,” they whinge, apparently forgetting all about Miami Vice. [Mail Online]

• Jargon Makes Your Brain Smaller: Can exercise get rid of this dude’s ‘moobs’? correctly points out that weight training doesn’t cause gynecomastia, but don’t let me see you using the term “moobs” in my presence again. [MSNBC]

• “What? You Need 900 Words?”: Why real men DO buy women flowers is basically a touching story of how the author’s dying father’s last action was to order a bouquet for his wife. But then the piece takes a turn for the bizarre: “I recently bought flowers for a lady I’m a’ courting. We were set to meet at the soda jerk for a malt…” I stopped reading there. Either he found Doc’s DeLorean in the barn or thought it would be post-ironic or something. In any case, flowers are for relationships (either established or expected). [CNN/The Frisky]

• Here, We Just Have to Drive 45 Minutes: When Love Is a Schlep reminds us why New Yorkers sometimes make non-New Yorkers queasy (besides the Yankees): When you live on the Upper West Side and your date lives on the Lower East Side, she had better really be awesome. [New York Times]

• The ‘Duh’ Desk Didn’t Collapse Last Week After All: Japanese men invest in their looks. This might have been news 20 years ago….nope, not then, either. [The Independent]

• The Fashion Industry Loves You: Mad Men Rolls Out Clothes, But Will They Sell? has the audacity to suggest that a retro-style TV series may not convince us to dress like it’s the ’50s, but the editor of British GQ thinks differently: “Americans are more easily led.” Yeah, but our The Office is better, so there. [New York Magazine]