life choices

New Year’s Resolution? Do It Right.

by Michael on December 29, 2011 · 0 comments

This year I resolve not to blow up the damn bridge. Again.

If you recall, last year I suggested that instead of a new year’s resolution you consider adopting a motto for the new year. It’s low pressure and gives you a daily mantra that you can live by no matter what happens. It’s good advice and I stand by it.

However, I understand that there are those of you will ignore that advice and solemnly resolve to make a change next year. You may decide it’s high time you quit smoking. That’s terrific. Perhaps you took a look in the mirror and resolved to do something about that spare tire or those toothpick arms. Admirable. Cut out excess drinking (right after the midnight toast)? You should.

Whatever your big plan for January and beyond, I want you to succeed. And while you’ve already shown yourself to be someone who doesn’t take my advice (see first paragraph), I’m here to give you some more.

Don’t Plunge

The first resolution-related thing you should do is step back and really make this count. Don’t just show up at the gym and start randomly lifting weights if you resolved to get fit, or open Monster.com in a furtive attempt to fulfill that “improve your career” vow. It’s been proven that for most people, diving headlong into that resolution dooms it to failure. Need proof? My neighborhood gym is packed every January and empty by October. Case closed.

So sit down on January 1 with a sheet of paper and a pen, and make a plan.

Start with your goal. You’re probably expecting to see “an achievable goal” here, but that’s not what I’m gonna tell you. In fact, make that goal as big as you want it. The sky’s the limit. Buff and cut by June? Cold turkey smokeless? Hang gliding, skydiving and white-water kyaking solo by the end of the summer? In a band with an indie single for the next Xmas season? Fine, as long as you take the next step…

Break It Down

Now take that goal and figure out what you need to achieve it. The first step is to write down exactly what “success” consists of. “Cut and buff” should turn into a percentage of body fat and inches of muscle. “Cold turkey smokeless” should include what you’ll be doing to combat cravings safely. “Improve my career” should include the exact position you seek. Imagining that success is a powerful way to stay on track.

Once you know what success is, start penciling in the steps to get there. Look up the courses you’ll need for the skills that the career requires, and methods to obtain experience. Look up adventure sports instructors and find out how many lessons and how many hours you’ll need before you can go solo (or find out if you shouldn’t). Have someone to call if the nicotine fits or urge to have a drink gets too great, and strategies for avoiding the situations where you smoked or drank in the past. Create a workout and eating plan (have I mentioned yet that I’ve just created something that can help?).

Plan out your months, then your weeks, then if necessary your days. Know what you’re going to do tomorrow, and the day after that and the day after that. Your plan should also contain your plans after you achieve your success, because anything great enough to resolve to do should also be great enough to use as impetus for the next goal.

Don’t Let Your Resolution Rule Your Life

The last piece of advice I’ll give you is the most important: don’t devote every waking hour to your resolution. Give it time to breathe, and yourself time to live the other parts of your life. For most of us, total immersion in our pursuit of a goal will make us either overly frustrated at setbacks or simply burned out on the whole resolution thing.

Instead, make it about small achievements. Take just one class to begin with, or go shopping for the healthy food you’re going to eat this week, or take five minutes to celebrate another day without a cigarette.

When you suffer a setback—and most of us will—your plan should help you handle it. When you know what success is, and when your resolution doesn’t rule your life, it’s easier to get back on track. Look at your plan, find the next step, and continue on your path.

After writing all this, I’ve figured out what my biggest problem is with new year’s resolutions—you should have goals, and the plans to go with them, throughout the year. The changing of the calendar shouldn’t be required. Whether you’re reading this on January 5th, or July 18th, or November 3rd, and you have something you really want, go ahead and make it your January 5th resolution or July 18th resolution or Novem…you get the picture. Pull out that sheet of paper and get started now.

That way, you can just go ahead and adopt a motto at New Year’s, and everyone wins.

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The Carrot or the Stick?

by Michael on May 5, 2011 · 0 comments

The garlic for lunch was a nice touch.

A friend on Facebook has been posting about the new “boot camp” exercise class he’s joined. It’s led by a former military officer, who barks out drill-sergeant-like orders and gets into the faces of those lagging behind. It’s amazing how many people can squeeze out one or two extra push-ups when someone is standing over them demanding it.

But not all of our mutual friends agree. A comment from one of his posts went something along the lines of, “not if it was the last workout class on Earth!” Others mentioned their favorite classes: the traditional kind, with the dude or chick who manages to keep smiling for a solid hour, periodically offering positive affirmations: “Just one more!” “You can do it!” “Awesome! And again…”

People have different learning styles. Some need the Carrot, and some need the Stick.

The Carrot method is the one we see most of the time: an instructor leads you gently through the program, stopping to tell you how easy it is, how well you’re doing, and making sure no one is left behind by gently helping those laggards. The downside of the Carrot is that it doesn’t offer much in the way of rigid leadership: it’s up to you to push yourself.

The Stick involves tough love: You’re given instructions, then expected to get ‘er done with the instructor breathing down your neck. God forbid you fall behind, because the instructor will make an example of you. If you’re embarrassed easily or prone to resent taking orders, the Stick may not be for you, but if you want structure, this is where you need to be.

In objective terms, the Carrot expects that people need support and assistance, and the Stick expects that you’re a damned grownup.

What You Want vs. What You Need

A few years ago I took salsa lessons (the dance, not the condiment). The instructor was a guy who used both the Carrot and the Stick: the Carrot was for the women, and the Stick for the men. If a guy screwed up a move, it wasn’t below the instructor to mock him, but he’d always refer to a woman by name and come over and gently lead her through a move she was getting wrong.

Sounds a little unfair, right? Well, it worked.

Many men seem to need structure in their learning, and a negative consequence to a bad habit. Of course, we also need to know what the good habit is. It’s just that sometimes, even though we know what the good habit is, we’re more comfortable with the bad habit. Or we think we’re practicing the good habit when in reality we’re half-assing it and calling it good.

My learning style is somewhat that of the Carrot: I absorb much better when there’s an explanation. The “why” is as important as the “what.” However, I’m sometimes prone to spend too much time gathering information: the “paralysis of analysis.” Therefore, a little boot to the rear at the end is ideal to get me moving on a project.

What I’m Getting At

Your learning style is important to know. If you don’t understand what you need in order to not only absorb information but also to act on that information, you’ll do what millions of people do now: read book after book, take class after class, and never actually use that information to enrich their lives.

I want you to think back on the most successful classes you’ve taken, the books or sites you’ve read that actually resulted in positive life changes, and the people in your life who have inspired you to take definitive action. Things that snapped you out of your comfort zone and showed you that you can accomplish more than you thought. Perhaps it’s something bad that happened to you, that snapped you out of a bad habit.

Write down what was most effective. Obviously, if it was a death in the family or a dismal medical diagnosis, you don’t want to replicate it, but you can extract what it was about the event that changed your habits (realizing that life is short, for example, or seeing the results of smoking).

Then seek to learn that way. If you need information, find one or two of the most highly recommended sources and get that information. If you need accountability or direct guidance, find a coach, trainer or mastermind group. If you need inspiration, go get it: help at a soup kitchen or elderly care facility. Keep a journal and stay in touch with yourself during this process.

Put yourself in the best situation to succeed on your terms. Just be aware of what those terms are.

So, what’s your learning style? What or who have you learned the most from?

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Where Have the Good Men Gone?

February 23, 2011Living

I’ve already written about the “New Macho,” the idea that men have to somehow “find a new manhood” to “adapt” to “modern life.” But the onslaught continues (I refuse to call it “misandry,” that’s become a code word for the men who feel the whole world is their enemy). A piece in the Wall Street [...]

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8 Ways to Avoid Your Own Groundhog Day

February 2, 2011Living

February 2 is a North American holiday—actually not so much a holiday as a tradition—called Groundhog Day. A large rodent either sees its shadow or doesn’t, and whichever one happens ends up having zero relationship to the next few weeks’ weather. But worldwide, Groundhog Day is probably more well-known as one of Bill Murray’s finest [...]

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A Lesson from Jack LaLanne

January 24, 2011Health & Fitness

It seems like just yesterday we observed fitness pioneer Jack LaLanne’s 96th birthday. On Sunday, in much sadder news, the man known to many as the first “fitness guru” has passed away. LaLanne died of respiratory failure from pneumonia after living what I’d call a long, full life. He’s towed boats and barges while handcuffed [...]

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New Year’s Resolution? Try a Motto Instead

December 30, 2010Living

The second the clock passed 12 midnight on December 26, the entire blogosphere (and Twit-o-sphere and Facebook-sphere) started asking you for your New Year’s Resolution. Not me. I’m going to suggest that this year you do what I’ve been doing for about 7-8 years now: instead of a resolution, think of a motto. A Motto [...]

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The “New Macho”?

September 23, 2010Living

Newsweek’s recent series of articles describing the “New Macho” appeared on my radar this week, and I can’t say I was impressed. The idea is that we need to “reimagine masculinity” to deal with the pressures men face in our changing world. Men—specifically American men, and judging from the examples, white American men—are in danger [...]

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Question Your Gurus

September 20, 2010Living

This post is inspired by Jon Stewart’s Rally to Restore Sanity, but it’s something I’ve believed for a long time. Sit down, pour yourself a beverage, and ask yourself these hypotheticals: What if you found out that a “fact” you use as the basis of a belief is not a fact at all, but a [...]

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