Tao of Bachelorhood

(Photo by kennymatic)

…and you’re not a member of the Norwegian men’s curling team, I will personally come to your house and slap your hand with a ruler.

I’m fighting an awful head cold right now, but I can finally see straight enough to work on some new stuff for you. Coming up…

The current issue of the Weekly Standard attempts a very all-encompassing piece on…well, I’m not really sure. It seems to imply that we’re going back to caveman mating rituals, but spends most of its time covering the recent history of pickup artists, from Ross Jeffries claiming copyright on every catchphrase to Mystery launching an army of geeks spouting acronyms to a couple of bloggers no one has heard of (back in the ’90s a guy like “Roissy” would just be the weird guy you’d chalk up to the idea that only weird guys wrote much on the Web).

In doing so it touches on a lot of armchair science (nothing new for the Standard, unfortunately), missing the point of its examples: in the socially crazed world of Hollywood nightclubs and fratboy cults complete with groupies (Why stop at Tucker Max? How about Carrot Top?) there are a whole other set of rules, first of which is: there really aren’t any rules.

As happens so often with the mainstream media, they’re about 2-3 years behind on the whole pickup thing, which has already evolved past what Mystery was doing with his near-mathematical formulas into a very organic undertaking that basically reiterates social skills to a legion of guys who haven’t had much chance to develop them on their own.

There’s no secret here: the guy with confidence, a sense of adventure, and some real value will always succeed in the end. And yes, that probably hasn’t changed since Cro-Magnon Man walked the earth. What’s new is the means to help guys figure that out.

Oh, and in other libido-related news, apparently there’s a cheaper alternative to Viagra: get a doughnut and some licorice and sniff ‘em. Seriously.

The New Dating Game [Weekly Standard]

A Viagra Alternative to Serve by Candlelight [NY Times]

Under the new rules, she has to consider you now. (Photo by nDevilTV)

Some light weekend reading: in case you’ve been away from newspapers, radio and TV this week, the big self-help book being promoted to women is Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb.

The good news for men who want a relationship: institutionally, women are being told to “settle.”

The better news for men who want a relationship: you don’t have to “settle.”

What we know is that you can do better, if you’re willing to do the work and improve yourself. A fit, well-groomed, well-rounded man is in demand.

Time magazine interviewed Ms. Gottlieb and touched on a few things that anyone reading Match.com profiles knows is true:

Q: Are women pickier than men?

A: When I asked men and women what they wanted in a partner, men were far more open-minded. They mostly talked about finding someone cute enough, kind, warm and interesting enough to talk to. Women got absurdly specific — he has to be successful but not a workaholic. He has to know how to order wine in a restaurant. He has to be stylish but not too into fashion in a feminine way. And the lists went on and on.

[...]

Q: Do women overestimate their own desirability? Is that part of it?

A: I think they do.

You can read the whole interview for yourself if you have a few minutes. And be ready for the backlash (there’s always a backlash), which is sure to feature a book called Dump Him: The Case for Holding Out for Mr. Right, Even If It Takes ‘Til You’re 80.

Is it Time to Stop Waiting for Mr. Right? [Time]

The driver of the hydrant was obviously to blame. (Photo by peasap)

In the grand tradition of the surveys where most people say they’re smarter than most people comes this one:

When Ottawa University researchers polled nearly 400 drivers ranging from the youngest to the very old, virtually all rated themselves favorably.

[...]

Young men felt the most superior.

Middle-aged men rated themselves as better than similarly aged drivers, and far superior to younger and older motorists.

Older drivers – aged 65 plus – felt most superior when they compared themselves with motorists of the same age.

Basically, this proves what we see ourselves when we’re on the road: everyone thinks they drive just fine, and it’s the “other guy” who’s the problem.

Unfortunately, chances are you’re the “other guy.”

But wait: aren’t we supposed to have high self-confidence? Isn’t it good that we take pride in our skills? Aren’t we told to give ourselves positive affirmations every day to boost our happiness and help us tackle life’s challenges?

Yes and no.

Yes, it’s extremely good to understand and take pride in what you’re good at and what you’re capable of. But what we’re talking about isn’t that. What this research finds is that guys (and women) get to a base level of competence and then declare themselves above average. Then they declare their skills complete and stop paying attention. Don’t teach me, I know it already. See, look, that guy didn’t use his turn signal. I’m obviously better than him.

It’s hubris.

And in the case of driving, it’s very dangerous hubris.

Here’s the point

The answer to this is simple: take pride in learning new things. Admit that there’s always room to learn. And don’t judge your abilities based on the worst of us—you can learn from them too. Positive affirmations don’t work. Positive steps work every time.

Yes, you may do some things better than most other guys. But no, you don’t do everything better, nor are you ready to declare victory. Life doesn’t have a finish line. The point isn’t getting there, the point is learning and growing. In the case of a skill like driving, you have a responsibility to understand that you can and must continue to learn.

Knowing what you know is awesome. A real man also knows what he doesn’t know—and takes steps to learn.

Most drivers ‘feel they are superior behind the wheel’ [BBC]

In case you’ve been on Jupiter, this past Friday was Conan O’Brien’s last episode of The Tonight Show. I’m not going to go on about how awful a move NBC has made, but instead bring you words of wisdom from the man himself:

“I hate cynicism…it doesn’t lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get, but if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen.”

I can’t say much more. Well, I can, but I’ll let those words resonate—words from a man who is famous, beloved, incredibly rich and can almost play a decent guitar solo.

What is exercise?

That’s the question raised by the “Gallup-Healthways Well-Being Index,” compiled on a monthly running basis by pollster Gallup. In fact, the bigger question could be, what is “well-being”?

According to the first question in Gallup’s poll, the definition of “exercise” is apparently “30 minutes or more of whatever you call exercise.” And based on that definition, hey, a lot of people exercise! Depending on the month, anywhere from 63 to 72 percent of Americans do it at least once a week – not enough to really help get fit much but it gives us a much less depressing number than when they ask who “exercises” at least three times a week (49.6%).

People who exercised at least 30 minutes one day per week (Source: 2009 Gallup-Healthways Well-Being Index)

The first problem is that 30 minutes of mystery exercise tells us nothing — are people counting 30 minutes of incidental walking in a day? We don’t know. But it’s really a big difference whether they ran or walked or exercised with weights or just changed into gym clothes and hung out.

The half-hour minimum is arbitrary too. My Crossfit workout yesterday took me a total of 22 minutes, so it doesn’t count, but if I go on a 40-minute nature walk on a Sunday it does. So the survey fails to assess who’s actually doing a healthy amount of exercise. Kind of knocks the wheels off the whole thing.

But that explains why fewer people say they “exercise” in January than in June: to exercise in January you have to have a shred of commitment, and either go to a gym or brave the elements or find something you can do at home.

The whole thing takes an even uglier turn when Gallup tries to break down the results along socioeconomic lines:

Percentage of Americans who exercise 3+ times per week (Source: 2009 Gallup-Healthways Well-Being Index)

Look! Rich people can afford to exercise and poor people can’t! Or the poor people have to work more and rich people don’t, or something. Gallup leaves that up to our imaginations. Mine tells me that “rich” people have more reason to exaggerate to the pollster than poor do: there’s much more implied status in that answer. But let’s assume the answer is what it is. Gallup then asks another random question:

People who can find a "safe place" to exercise (Source: 2009 Gallup-Healthways Well-Being Index)

What the hell? Well, on this one Gallup takes it upon themselves to interpret: “Lower income Americans, a group less likely to report frequent exercise, may tend to live in neighborhoods where there aren’t safe places to exercise.” (By the way, Gallup could easily gather and include location data as proof that most of these low-income Americans live on the mean streets, but chose not to. I mean, it’s not like they do this for a living or anything.)

If only you could exercise in your own home…

In the battle to define what exercise is — what it is that people need to be more healthy, crave more wholesome food and acquire more self-esteem — surveys like this are a colossal failure. The sad part is that they could do it, if they wanted to; they just don’t want to. Their findings get picked up by the New York Times just fine as it is, thank you.

But in the end, rich or poor or overweight or “safe,” this survey should mean nothing to you. The only person who should matter to you is the one in the mirror. Start simple, start at home, or yes, even walk for a half-hour a day if that gets you started.

Just get started.

Americans Exercise Less in 2009 Than in 2008 [Gallup]

Photo by Stefano A

I don’t want to have to write anything about Tiger Woods and his “woman problem“: I don’t care how famous you are, these things are really between you, your spouse and the eight or nine girls you’ve been sleeping with.

But now that his infidelity has been laid bare, guys are doing their best to make it a biological inevitability that it’s all about a “high status male” trying to spread his seed far and wide. And let’s face it, Tiger has about the highest status of anyone not addressed as “Mr. President.” He’s the richest athlete ever, he’s carved a muscular physique despite playing a sport dominated by beer guts, and by all accounts, he’s been the very definition of discreet…up until he failed to realize how cell phones work.

But that’s not why what happened happened. In reality, he was apparently a lonely guy, away from home for weeks at a time to do his job. As a child prodigy, he didn’t have the same opportunity for a vibrant social life that you and I have had. His life has been spent living and breathing golf. His father pushed him hard to excel in the sport. My guess at his teenage dating life is that it was probably nonexistent.

As an adult, he has the money to do anything he has ever dreamed of. He travels the world. He’s the most successful person at his job and has a face that’s instantly recognized by just about anyone who sees him. This all makes him an “alpha male” in the eyes of the world, whether or not he feels like one. Women want him because he’s rich and famous and not a gargoyle.

The point is that he has enormous pressure, not to “spread his seed,” but to grab the candy that is constantly being shoved in his face. Wow, it’s a hot girl, and she wants to have sex with me now.

What does this mean for you and me?

What can we take away from this and apply to our lives?

Well, first and foremost, if we don’t tell multiple partners they’re the only one, we’re one alpha trait better than Tiger: we have congruence. An alpha won’t sneak around, and will be who he says he is. This enables him to go through life without being caught in (very expensive) lies.

Second, understand that if you’ve come from a life where you didn’t have a chance to date a lot or meet beautiful women, and suddenly you’re rolling in them (and if you work to improve yourself, your social skills and your “game,” this can be you), you may need to get that “wow, it’s a hot girl” feeling out of your system before you get involved in any long-term relationships, especially a marriage. Date around. Sleep around (safely!) if you must. Just do it while being honest and congruent, especially to yourself.

Last, the one person you really need to be in touch with is yourself. Meditate. Journal. Build a life based on what you love and value. Maintain a circle of good friends, and end any toxic relationships with friends or family. The part with the women will fall in place naturally.

And be glad you did these things. I don’t think Tiger had the chance.