Tao of Bachelorhood

The new, improved version of the watch just sprays chloroform.

If you’ve ever had a girlfriend with Netflix, you probably had to watch the seminal ’90s slacker dating movie Singles. One of the minor characters was David, best friend of the main character Steve. David was all about meeting as many ladies as possible:

David: Man, check it out. My new Gor-Tech watch. I can store 20 numbers in this watch. Tonight I’m gonna fill it. All or nothing. No compromises. Tonight I’ll be the Super Me!

Steve: What if the Super You meets the Super Her and the Super Her rejects the Super You?

Later, in the movie, David has accomplished his mission and taunts Steve, who met one girl but didn’t “close”:

David: Always get the number. Steve. Tonight I got 20 numbers! Twenty numbers!

Steve: Really? You got 20 numbers of 20 girls that you will never call, never go out with, never see in the daylight. 20 numbers that exist only to make you feel like a guy who can go out and get 20 numbers.

And it’s true. Let’s say about 25 percent of the guys you see going “all or nothing” meeting women are going to get a number from someone that night. (I’m being generous.)

Out of that 25 percent, about half are going to actually call.

About half of those women are going to answer or return that call.

And out of those women, let’s be generous again and say half will agree to a date.

Doing the math, out of 25 guys who get a phone number, a whopping 3 get a date. About 1 in 10. That’s not exactly an inspiring ratio.

But what if I told you there’s a way to virtually assure that the girl you met tonight will go out with you? That you could take that from a 10 percent chance to a 90 percent chance?

The secret to securing the date

The good news is that the principle is incredibly simple, and you’ll kick yourself for not thinking of it. The secret is to plan the date before you get the phone number. That’s it!

Of course, there’s a bit more to actually accomplishing this. First, you need to be armed with some excellent choices for date venues. Put some thought into activities that women will find exciting, that put you in the best possible light, and that leave you options to move on to drinks or dinner. (Tip: don’t make the date itself drinks or dinner.)

I’ve had a couple of venues that served me very well indeed. The first was a local rock music museum. Because I’ve been in the music world, I could personally guide my date through the exhibits. There are interactive rooms where we can play music—usually in a small, soundproof room with just the two of us. Also, there was a restaurant and bar on site, making it easy to create a “virtual second date.” The second venue, well, that’s the beach. So many things to do in a beach area: walk the boardwalk, walk in the sand, throw a frisbee, get ice cream, watch a sunset…

So do a little planning. A beach or riverwalk is good, a museum too, or maybe a funky part of town where you can visit clothing stores and try on things for each other. For an evening date, if you’re a great singer try a karaoke bar. Hell, Google “date ideas” and you’ve got thousands to choose from. Just make sure you have at least a few in mind so you can take her somewhere she hasn’t been.

The hard part

Planning the venue is easy. So is dropping in the question, “have you ever been to…?” But there’s something else—you have to know when to ask.

Most guys who go fishing for numbers never bother to build much rapport with women. They go in, drop a few funny lines, ask for the digits and eject, virtually ensuring that the number they’ll get is 555-1212. You’re smarter than that. If you’ve been reading the Tao, you know there are three stages to seduction. If she only feels attraction, that may not be enough to convince her to meet you. But if you can get her feeling comfortable with you, the sky’s the limit.

Don’t ask her out until she’s showing you that she’s enjoying the conversation: she’s contributing, asking questions and displaying the physical signs that she’s into you.

One great way to steer her into agreeing to that first meeting is to have a great story to tell about the venue. Do the waves seem 30 feet tall at your favorite beach? Can you show her a photo on your iPhone of the moon reflecting on the river, with the city lights all around? Can you share how you feel when you nail your signature song at the karaoke bar, or find that awesome jacket at the thrift shop near your school? Tell a story that will draw her into the experience of going on that date with you.

For example, I would mention a certain exhibit at the music museum with a show poster. “I couldn’t believe that poster was there! It was a charity show, and my band was like 5th on the bill. But it was only our third gig, and we felt like rock stars! Playing that show was like an out-of-body experience—like a feedback loop with our energy and the energy of the audience.” Then I mention a new exhibit I really want to see there, and then…”hey, how about you come see it with me? I can show you a few chords in the guitar room, and give you the personal guided tour. It’s way more fun than renting the headphones.”

Okay, come to think of it, this part’s not so hard either.

Finalize

Once she’s excited about meeting you, settle on a date there and then. “I’m free Thursday evening and Sunday afternoon: which do you prefer?” If she can do neither, have her offer. If it’s not a Friday or Saturday night, and you really don’t have something else going then, check your schedule on your phone and set it up. The date should never be more than a week away, preferably just a few days.

Then exchange numbers. One great way to do this is by putting her number in your phone, then either texting her or calling and leaving a voice mail immediately. “OMG who is that hot guy you’re with?” is a classic. Make it clear that the number is not for “confirming.” It’s so that in case of emergency you can contact each other. “I’ll see you Thursday” is the last thing you should say to her before you walk away. By reinforcing that yes, you are definitely meeting her there and then, it will take effort on her part to not go on the date—she’ll have to specifically call or text you to reschedule or cancel. Flaking on you is harder for her when she has to work to do it.

Feel free to send a text message a short time later, telling her it was great meeting her, perhaps reminding her of an inside joke you discussed and that you’re looking forward to the great time you’re going to have.

Avoid the curse

Too many guys suffer from the curse of confirmation: giving her several opportunities to change her mind. By just getting the phone number you add one layer of confirmation (you have to ask her out at a later time) as well as complexity (you have to remind her why she should go out with you). Then you agree to “call to confirm.” In reality, you’re agreeing to give her another shot at flaking: by simply not answering your “confirmation” call she can call the whole thing off without lifting a finger.

By making the date at the time you meet her, you can “sell high” (ask her out when she’s most interested) and avoid giving her a lazy way to flake. This also shows you’re a man who can take charge and make a plan.

If David had secured 20 dates instead of 20 numbers, I think Steve would take him a little more seriously.

Wave metaphor: not just for sex anymore. (Photo by Dawn)

Last week we began the series on what you need to meet the woman of your dreams with the three things a woman must feel before you can magically transport her from coffee shop to bedroom. Later we’ll discuss the methods you can use to unlock those feelings, but first let’s talk about you.

To be successful in meeting women is to come in with the right frame of mind. If you’re grumbling in a monotone because you’re grumpy before you get your coffee, you’re not going to win hearts. Likewise if you’re jumping around like you’ve just had 10,000 volts through you, women will either double over laughing or run in terror. So today let’s look at the way your mental state affects your prospects: what you must be.

1. Be ready.

The guys who are the most successful at “the game” are the guys who see opportunities first and can most quickly adjust to the situation. Is she giving you subtle hints that you should approach? What values is she expressing to you? Did something you said just turn her off like a faucet, and what can you do to get back on track? These are all things you have to quickly process and act on. Meeting women isn’t a scripted monologue. It’s an interaction with a lot of nuance.

Before you can be really successful with women you have to master the art of paying attention. If you can spot an interesting piece of jewelry from 20 feet away, you have an instant opener. If she mentions a faraway tropical place in passing, there’s somewhere you can have her envision you and her playing in the waves. And if she mentions her fiancé in passing, you want to be ready to thank her for the conversation and quickly eject.

A conversation with a woman can take an unexpected turn at a moment’s notice. You need to find the flow, feel the flow and ride it, like a surfer rides a wave.

In rhyming terms: first assess, then address.

2. Be adventurous.

People get confused over this word: “adventurous” doesn’t mean you like something unusual. It means you’re willing to try something new or different that you haven’t before. Rigidity and timidity will sink you with most women. They sense it incredibly quickly.

The best tools in a pickup artist’s arsenal are adventure stories: tales of going somewhere or doing something you’ve never done in your life, perhaps even battling initial failure but ultimately finding the experience exhilarating. This demonstrates big-time value without requiring money or fame.

The best way to be able to convey adventurousness is to actually try new things. Book a vacation somewhere different than usual. Take some lessons to learn a new skill. Perform at an open mic night. Enter a competition.  Life is short—do it as much for yourself as anyone. The more you learn and do, the smarter and more confident you’ll become—pretty awesome side benefits.

And when you have a wider variety of experiences, you’ll be more likely to have something in common with new women you meet. You may even meet women in the process!

3. Be normal.

This is a hard one. To most people, the definition of “normal” is “the way I am.” But the better definition is “someone with social skills.” Most women will discern quickly whether you give off a creepy vibe, or an angry one, and unless they have social dysfunction in their own lives they will quickly try to put distance between you. Same with the guy who sends the message that he’s too good for her, or the guy who clearly hates his life.

To narrow “normal” further, it’s “a guy with social skills, confidence and a positive outlook.” Normal women want fun, they want adventure, and they want a guy who they can be fairly sure isn’t going to beat her, kill himself, or be marched out in handcuffs.

One signal that you might be deviating from the path of the normal is when you spend too much time alone. Get out into the world. Do some of the things in the section above and build your confidence. Make platonic friends. Guy friends. Ones that aren’t in a cult or political group. Meet and talk to a lot of people—the best way to develop strong social skills is practice. It’s like a muscle you have to work regularly to grow and maintain it.

If you’re truly feeling angry or despondent about life, do seek professional help from someone who can determine whether there’s a chemical imbalance or an underlying issue you can address and get past. “Normal” doesn’t have to mean ignorantly happy, but you should have reasonable capacity to enjoy life.

Finally, life is not a sitcom where you can constantly say or do outrageous stuff and expect a laugh track. Don’t confuse attraction and mere attention: she may not be laughing with you.

It doesn’t have to be hard

Being ready, being adventurous and being normal doesn’t mean not being you. It means being the best you. The more you can improve yourself, raise your confidence, exercise your social skills and adapt to changing circumstances, the better you will be not only with women but in life.

I know this sounds like work, but it’s really not. Experiencing new adventures and new people can be fun, and even if it’s difficult at first, the more you do it the more fun it becomes. If you dedicate yourself to nothing more than enjoying new experiences and meeting new people, you’ll be surprised how quickly it will translate to success with women.

Next week we’ll get started with step-by-step strategies for creating attraction. Buckle up, we’ve only scratched the surface.

That's "PICK UP women." (Photo by ppz)

After spending the past few weeks working on a workout for you, I think it’s time to refocus on the fruits of your body-sculpting labors: finding a nice (or naughty) girl. Seriously, you can be a Greek god, but if you can’t approach a woman and read her signals you’ll still be going home empty-handed. So I’ve got a series of posts coming up that will lead you through the process of finding, talking to and securing a date with a great woman.

Today we’re going to start with the concept. Call it pickup, seduction or just meeting women, and whether your end result is hot monkey sex or a relationship that will last, the basic rules are the same.

Human Nature vs. “Tech”

The last decade was to meeting women what the ’90s were to worldwide communication: a revolution. You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a pickup “guru,” and you can find forums filled with stories of guys who went out to the club last night and managed to kiss someone. The rules of “the game” have been penciled in, edited, rewritten, filled in with ink, then illustrated.

And we really owe this explosion to the internet. Before the 2000s, men usually had to either settle for advice from the married guy they know, learn by trial-and-error, or just reconcile themselves to being alone. Now chat rooms, blogs and forums have enabled a shared body of wisdom: how it all works is relatively common knowledge, based on basic human nature. Most “products” designed to get you the girl, all the way up to the bestselling books of recent years, basically consist of this collective wisdom, packaged and presented by the shrewdest marketers.

That doesn’t mean everyone’s suddenly doing it right, though. In fact, guys who have shelled out thousands for books, DVDs and “bootcamps” are still insulting their “target” within the first minute, or wasting their time trying to “out-alpha” other guys, or being so busy entertaining her that they jump straight into the “friend zone.” These guys then flood the forums the next day, usually wondering exactly what they could have said at a specific time to get a specific response, like they’re trying to find a videogame cheat to unlock the Sword of Fire.

Feeling is Everything

They’re missing the forest for the trees. Meeting women is a flexible flow, and understanding the process is much more important than learning individual “tactics.” Sometimes you can’t win no matter what you say or do — people are still human — but you can understand what is (or isn’t) happening, and learn something new every time you talk to a woman.

When all is said and done, successful seduction is about what you make a woman feel.

Let’s  say an attractive woman makes a beeline for you in a supermarket. She stands about one foot in front of you, smiling creepily, making constant eye contact and barely blinking. She starts reciting a patter about whether you believe in spells, stopping only briefly to rub your cheek stubble and ask, “what, did your razor break last week?”

You’d probably excuse yourself and briefly consider calling 911, right?

Now you see the same woman, but she’s chatting and laughing with the deli counter guy. You pass her again in the produce aisle, and as you do she asks, almost over her shoulder, “is it possible to get a decent mango here? Because I fell in love with them on my vacation and I don’t want the party to end.” She grins, and tilts her head. “Hey, you look familiar…have you been to Barbados?”

Wouldn’t you be a little more inclined to continue the conversation?

That’s the difference between memorizing routines and relaxed interaction, letting the good feelings flow.

The Three Things a Woman Must Feel

To take a woman from complete stranger to someone who thinks of you in terms of the bedroom, you have to make her feel three things: attraction, comfort and excitement. Usually this is the exact order they’re necessary. A few women will feel excitement without feeling comfort — they’re ready to have sex without even being sure they’ll be safe with you — but they’re not common, unless you look in certain specific places.

1. Attraction

If you’re taking care of yourself and you’re at ease with others in the room, she may be attracted to you before you even speak to her. Others may not be initially attracted, but if you can approach with confidence and engage women with a smart, funny observation, you can interest her at least enough to want to talk a little more. Really, the better you really feel inside, and the better you take care of yourself outside, the bigger your head start will be.

Then again, some women may be cold to you no matter what you do. Her loss.

2. Comfort

If you’ve managed to engage her to the point where she’s attracted and a willing participant in the conversation (her body language will help you figure it out), at some point you need to move from dazzling her to letting her know you’re on the same wavelength. This can happen right from the beginning (let’s say you have been to Barbados recently), or a little while later, but women cite “he gets me” or “we have a lot in common” as one of the most frequent reasons for liking a guy.

A grave mistake is to try and find a common ground in negative experiences, like exes or family problems. Don’t do it. And repeatedly echoing “me too!” doesn’t work well either. Instead, be observant and use the clues you see and hear to find common ground. It doesn’t have to be something you both do — it can be as small as a mannerism, or even just listening and asking appropriate follow-up questions.

3. Excitement

Yes, I mean sexual excitement. At some point, if she’s going to go to bed with you, she’s going to have to think in terms of going to bed with you, and like the idea. The key is not to rush it. Save the dirty talk and double entendres until after you’ve found out she likes them. Excitement is built with things like casual touches on her arm or back to emphasize something you’re talking about, moving in closer in a conspiratorial fashion, and yes, kissing her.

Obviously you’re not usually going to be escalating to sex within 10 minutes in line at the DMV. You’re looking more at the first date and/or the second, unless you’re getting clear signals that she wants to come home with you now. But it’s a good idea to make sure she understands that you’re looking for more than a tennis partner. Of course, she needs to still feel comfort as well.

Like a Great Song

The process of seduction is like a good movie, or a great song — it moves effortlessly along, but also has a definite progression that builds on what came before. Most “naturals” don’t ever think about this, and once you’re good at reading a woman’s signals you won’t either.

If you’re not accustomed to engaging women in conversation, it’s a good idea to practice just that, without worrying about making her feel anything (except good about a fun interaction with a stranger). Don’t worry about whether she “like-likes” you. Just have fun.

Next time we’ll discuss what you need to bring to the table to be successful.

With one week until Christmas, you may be sweating the eventual trip to the jam-packed mall to do battle with the masses over the ugly sweaters and iPod knockoffs that remain. I have done this, and found myself waiting in enormous lines to buy pitiful crap that the recipient must then pretend he likes.

Don’t do it.

Let me give you a few options for your buddy, your boyfriend or yourself. Options that are recommended by those who own them, with attractively low prices. The best part is, via Amazon.com you can order these up with two-day or overnight shipping.

Iron Gym Total Upper Body Workout Bar

I just ordered one of these for myself — the recommendations are awesome. This device fits in most doorways (and doesn’t require bolts or screws) and enables you to do pull-ups whenever you feel like it. You can also use it on the floor to make push-ups easier, and even to hold your feet for sit-ups. The Iron Gym folks also say it lets you do dips, but the range of motion for those dips is so limited you’d be better off using a sturdy bench.

But for pull-ups most Amazon users swear by it.

With this you’ll be able to do virtually the entire no-weights workout at home, giving you a workout option anytime you have a spare 20 minutes.

Kenneth Cole Reaction Men’s Wool Pea Coat

If you’re going to buy him an article of clothing, you can’t go wrong with a basic pea coat. They’re great for any occasion that isn’t formal, they work with button-downs, t-shirts or sweaters, jeans or slacks, and best of all they keep you warm.

The Kenneth Cole name won’t do you wrong here. It’s 80% wool, which means it’s warm, and it comes in black or charcoal. Just remember that pea coats tend to run a bit large in size, because they’re meant to be overcoats. They also require dry cleaning, but as long as you don’t spill on it or perspire heavily without a shirt on under it, you should only really need to have it cleaned once a year, before you put it away for the warmer months.

You’ll feel like the guy from the Old Spice commercials — except you’ll smell better (as long as you stay off the Old Spice).

Garmin nüvi 260W 4.3-Inch Widescreen Portable GPS Navigator

Personally I don’t use a GPS — any directions I need I get with my iPhone and Google Maps. But most of my friends love their GPSes, so who am I to stand in the way of that?

This Garmin is the most popular GPS at Amazon (here’s the whole list), and after 493 reviews has an incredible four-and-a-half-star rating. What about the features? Glad you asked. It has a 4.3-inch screen with 2D and 3D map modes, turn-by-turn voice guidance that reads street names, a rechargeable battery, and a touchscreen with a JPEG picture viewer, world travel clock, currency and measurement converter, calculator and more. You can use it in the car or on foot. It comes preloaded with North American maps, and more features are optional via an SD card slot.

If you or someone you know is directionally challenged, stop driving in circles or pulling off at every other gas station. This small investment can pay off in saved time alone.

A word to the wise though: don’t leave a GPS (or even the suction-cup mount) visible in your unattended car. Thieves love them as much as my friends do.

Rules of the Game

Neil Strauss’ original book about his experiences as a pickup artist, The Game, is an all-time bestseller on Amazon. For that reason you may not want to give that book as a gift: chances are your friend/boyfriend/husband has already read it.

Instead, if the guy you’re giving the book to is unattached, get him the sequel by Strauss, Rules of the Game. Where The Game was a story about “Style’s” experiences, Rules is a handbook for meeting women and convincing them to go out with you. It includes word-for-word routines and steps you through the whole process, from openers to getting her home.

Keep in mind that Strauss “works” mostly in the world of nightclubs, which requires a different touch than, say, a supermarket or art gallery. You won’t want to breathlessly recite the “two girls fighting” opener to a girl you see at the bookstore, and not every guy is cut out to dress up like a rock star (for example, I give you Jon Gosselin). However, there are some useful tips you can use in your daily life, and the book is full of stories from Strauss’ life among the party culture of LA.

However, if the guy you’re buying for does happen to have a wife or girlfriend, a better choice might be The Book of Basketball. Bill Simmons is such a good writer he almost makes me care about basketball, plus every minute I spend reading him is a minute I’m not reading Rick Reilly or Mitch Albom. Or if he’s not into sports, get him something by Chuck Klosterman — dude is funny.

I hope this has helped. If so, now you’re golden until his birthday. No, a beer bong is not appropriate then, either.

If you haven’t heard of Howcast, you’re missing out. From how to escape from kidnappers to how to play rock-paper-scissors, it’s a treasure trove of video advice.

Often dodgy advice, sometimes advice you really didn’t need in the first place, but advice nonetheless. They try hard.

How to be Better at Small Talk

For your weekend enjoyment I present some of Howcast’s “how to get girls” riffs, starting with the art of making conversation (aka working a room) with a paper drawing of a woman at a bar. Maybe the dude’s getting back at his girlfriend for running off with the guy from A-ha.

How to Ask Out a Girl

Then, who needs “game” when you’ve got Howcast to show you exactly how to secure a date with the hottest loudly-striped-shirt-wearing babe at the pub? Learn well, because they’re also teaching her how to ignore you. Pay close attention to the pre-asking effort that goes into site selection for the potential date. Apparently he chose the playground.

How to Impress a Woman on a Date

After you’ve procured that hottie and found just the right British East India Company-themed eatery, here are some tips on the wining and dining. You’ll need: money! Oh, and John Waters called, he wants his mustache back.

How to Seduce a Woman

When you really need to bring out the big guns, Howcast’s video gurus have that covered too: tell her you love her and then make her jump out of an airplane with you. Just don’t listen to advice from The Fonz. And I look forward to the pickup gurus taking off with this trend of using cartoon bunnies in their instructional videos.

How to Make a Move on a Girl While Watching a Movie on a Couch

Now, with the economy all bad and stuff, you may want to just have her come over and watch a nice, platonic movie. (Anything whose title begins with Star Wars or Lord of the Rings is plenty platonic.) The goal is to skootch up to her and have your tentacles wrapped around her before she even knows it. That’s where this next video comes in. (Sometimes I think they might not even be taking this stuff seriously.)

And finally, when you follow the advice above a little too closely, here’s what to expect from that one special girl. (Little did I know that an “ex-parte” wasn’t a shindig your old girlfriend throws for you because she’s sorry she broke up with you.)

There are tons more where these came from. If you’ve learned anything today, God help you.

[Howcast.com]

"Um, so...uh, what a coincidence, I like doing stuff that ends in 'ing.'" (Photo by Lezbo007)

Among my RSS feeds are a few online pickup forums. I don’t subscribe to them because I think I’ll learn anything — I subscribe because I’m curious about how guys are using the knowledge available to them. And most guys are using that knowledge wrong. Some examples (paraphrased to protect the guilty):

• “We made out for a hour. She would occasionally say ‘I hope you don’t do this with all the girls.’ Every time she said it I just played it off with a joke. Now she won’t return my calls.”
• “I negged this girl by telling her she looked fat in that dress. She didn’t seem to like that. How can I use that ‘jerk’ persona to score with her?”
• “Girls get turned off after the first date, every time. I know it’s got to be my bald spot.”
• “I approached these two sisters. I like them both. How do I get a threesome?”

I don’t blame the teachers, because even though a lot of them aren’t very good, most start with the basics of common-sense human-relations knowledge. Usually the problem is a guy who’s bought one book or read one website. Then he go out and tries it, and crashes and burns due to something the computer industry calls “user error.”

Don’t get me wrong: I give big props to every guy who just goes out and starts approaching women. But there are a few basic problems I see again and again that are a result of missing key principles you need to know in order to meet and date women.

1. You confuse a “neg” and an insult.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen guys outright call a girl “fat” and not understand how she didn’t take it as a joke. You can say it as cocky and funny as possible, but it’s never, ever, a “neg.”

A “neg” is not an insult. It’s a compliment that makes her think.

For example, pointing out how it’s so cute how her nose wiggles when she talks. That’s a neg. You’re saying it’s cute, but you’re drawing attention to her nose, which is a body part most girls would really rather not draw attention to. Makeup (“I usually don’t go for the ’smoky eye look,’ but you rock it”), nails (the classic “awesome nails, are they real?”) and hair (“you’ve got awesome hair, is there a name for that style?”) are good for a true neg. Her weight, figure and face are almost always off-limits.

Age is only usable when she’s younger – older women are usually painfully aware that they’re older. Several years ago I once irreparably damaged a great vibe with an older woman by bringing up age very tangentially, not meaning to do so. Her demeanor changed instantly and she excused herself to find her sister. Live and learn.

2. You’re unrealistic in your goals.

So many guys buy books and take courses in pickup so they can finally win this one special girl. They’re really uninterested in finding women anywhere else. This causes two problems: first, Just because you now have “game” doesn’t mean you can magically erase an opinion a woman has already formed about you.

Second, these skills take practice, and the best possible practice comes when you’re open to meeting an awesome woman wherever she may be. It’s best for all concerned, especially yourself, if you can cut yourself loose from an unsuccessful attempt and move on to another worthy “target.”

Unfortunately, most of these unrealistic guys won’t listen to me or anyone else — this is one of the hottest topics on seduction boards. It’s usually only after this “one special girl” is lost for good that a guy then understands that although “game” can get you a woman you might never have dreamed of dating, it can’t necessarily get you that one woman you have been dreaming of.

A related issue is the relative newbie who’s dead set on getting threesomes, or sisters, or any teenage fantasy you care to name. Work on successfully attracting women first, then you can branch out to find those who are into what you’re into.

3. You try to get physical without comfort.

It’s been said that before the first time, a woman will look for any reason not to sex with you. (After the first time, she’ll look for any reason she should have sex with you again.) Even if she really does want it as much as you do (or more), goofing around with her fears and objections is a good way to stay celibate.

If you want to have sex with most women, at some point you’re going to have to cut the crap and let her know you like her and that she’s safe with you. For most guys this is the function of subsequent dates, but if you’re going to go far beyond a kiss or three the night you meet her, you’ll need to start building comfort right away. Let her know she’s the reason you threw out your rules about public makeout sessions. Show her that you aren’t going to treat her like a prostitute and that you’ll respect her boundaries. If she objects, don’t dismiss it.

And if she says no, it of course means no.

4. You prefer text to actually talking to a woman.

I see endless requests to critique “text game” from guys who haven’t bothered to actually learn to deal with a woman in person first. This is ass backwards. Some of these guys have blatantly ignored requests from women to call them, in favor of typing shorthand.

Now, there are times when you should use text. Immediately after seeing her in person, the “did u get home ok?” text, along with something to remind her of the meeting/date, is awesome.

Texting/e-mail/Facebook/MySpace is a good way to let her know you exist, and that’s about it. Unless you’ve managed to find someone who doesn’t care who she hooks up with, you’re not going to be able to text “ill b @ ur house 2nite” and make it happen. You’re going to have to do the heavy lifting in person. The faster you can segue into a face-to-face meeting, the better off you are. (By “segue,” I mean you can also use the voice capability of your cell phone as an intermediate step.)

Let’s set a rule right now: you can’t call it a successful seduction until such time as you’ve actually touched the woman.

5. You think everything is some kind of test.

There are a few pickup methods out there that are based on passing “shit tests.” And yes, such tests do exist: if you’re chatting up a girl in a bar and she tells you to buy her a drink, you can be fairly sure that if you return with the drink you’ll also return with a much lower value. Or she might call you a “player” or gently make fun of you. But most of these are common sense and relatively obvious.

There are also a lot of situations where fulfilling a request actually serves a purpose for you. A blatant example would be if she asks to move to a different part of the club where she won’t be kissing you in full view of her friends. To deny this request would actually harm her comfort level.

There’s some gray area here: if she can’t meet you on the choice of times you’ve given her for a date, she may be trying to get you to drop everything for her or she may be honestly busy. But even then, the easy answer is to be congruent. If your time constraints are what you said they are, you won’t suddenly find that “booked” evening came free after all. You’ll have to make a later window for that date.

Just make sure your actions back up your values and are congruent with who you say you are, and don’t worry too much about tests.

Don’t Worry About The Game

My biggest piece of advice for guys making the above mistakes is to not take this all so seriously. Most of these errors are due to overthinking the process of meeting women, and losing sight of the forest for the trees. If you remember the principles of congruence and respect (both for her and for yourself), and let yourself make mistakes, you’ll get the hang of it. This is about having a good time, meeting awesome women, and ending up with something special. Why stress about it?

I thought Rule 1 was "don't talk about Hair Club."

I hope you had a great Halloween. I’ve said before that it’s my favorite holiday, and this one didn’t disappoint. Good friends (in good costumes), good booze and good music conspired for an awesome night. Next up, holiday-wise: a Thanksgiving ski trip.

In baseball news, the Yomiuri Giants just beat the Nippon Ham Fighters 7-4 Tuesday in Game 3 of the Japan Series. (First guy to refer to the latter team as the “Ham Fighters” gets punched in the throat. That includes you, Costas.)

Don’t forget, I’m growing a mustache for Movember. Donate if you can.

• The Real Enemy is the Asshole: Sympathy for the skeezy sees the journalist taking on the world of pickup artists, and discovering the truth that as much as they want to be accepted by women, they also want to be accepted by each other. [Las Vegas Weekly]

• “And You Also Have Two Ears. Excellent”: You’re Beautiful is David Wygant again slapping down guys who try and make a business out of bad pickup ideas. David rules. [davidwygant.com]

• And Don’t Forget to Not Steal Their Purses: 10 Things Men Do to NOT get a second date is not only awkwardly capitalized, it’s almost a list that goes without saying — although the insistence that women never, ever “go psycho” is kind of funny in a way that makes me think the author might be a little, um, [whistles]. [PowderRoomTalk]

• The ‘Duh’ Desk, Open 24/7: More screen time may mean less lean time tells you that if you watch a lot of TV, you’re at risk of getting fat. Apparently science needed to prove it. [LA Times]

• Best Headline Ever: Kate Hudson: Men All Think with A Rod. Didn’t read it. Didn’t have to. [fashion.ie]

• Hell, Just Walk to Work: A Marathon Run in the Slow Lane is a counterpoint to the Times’ article on the folks who make a day of it. Point being, exercise is exercise — who cares if the support staff has to wait because you ate lunch after mile 15? [NY Times]

• More on Movember: Movember Foundation promotes mustache growing for cancer awareness has a little more background. Grow that mo! [LA Times]