Tao of Bachelorhood

That's your ex's new boyfriend. Yeah, he's a Dick. (Photo by Alan Light)

“Nice guys finish last.” They say Leo Durocher coined the phrase in reference to a baseball team, but we’ve adopted it as a description of how supposedly respectful, deferential men are pushed aside by women for the “jerks.” And while it’s true that there is a segment of women who live to “fix” damaged guys, the real problem is usually with the Nice Guy—who may not be so nice after all.

But what could possibly be wrong with the guy who shows up at a girl’s doorstep with a rose, takes her out for a classy dinner and drops her off at her door with nothing more than a peck on the cheek? Can’t a guy treat his woman like a queen without her running off with the first knave to cross her path?

The Problem With Nice Guys

The first issue—and a big reason Nice Guys turn women off—is that many nice guys are deliberately non-sexual. A Nice Guy believes that women will be attracted to him because he’s not a threat, and in making himself non-threatening, a Nice Guy buries his masculinity. Buying drinks, gifts, dinners, deferring to her on decisions and letting her lead the interaction indicates a lack of confidence. Without an undercurrent of desire, there’s instead a feeling that he’s hiding something.

And this brings us to the second issue: by burying their true desires under the pretense of non-threatening platonic supplication, the Nice Guy is being dishonest. He does what he does because he expects her to reciprocate. He really does want to take her to bed and do the things people do there, but he won’t admit it. He’ll stay as far from the issue of desire as possible, hoping perhaps that she’ll broach the subject when his niceness finally wins her over. When she ultimately never does, he shuts down, or mopes, or maybe even gets mad and acts out.

Yes, I know how wonderfully romantic it sounds that a guy can’t live without this girl he barely knows (or has known from afar for a really uncomfortably long time), but if a Nice Guy is pinning his future happiness on someone else, that guy is going to blame others for his unhappiness.

What’s He Got That I Don’t?

So what is it about the “jerks” and “bad boys” that lets them steal the women right out of the arms of the Nice Guys?

It’s their confidence. Their self-esteem. Their audacity. Jerks may suffer from addictions, lack of respect or delusions of grandeur, but they also project masculinity. They may have some huge warts, but they’re embracing life, warts and all. A Jerk is his own man, but he’s definitely a man. It’s a vibration women respond to, often against their own better judgment.

What Nice Guys don’t want to hear is that they could learn something from the Jerks.

Instead of Nice, Be Real

Listen, men have desires. Women want to be desired. You don’t have to talk like a sailor or grope your date to demonstrate that you’re all man, but you do have to prove you have backbone and resiliency. Instead of worrying about showing how respectful you are to women, show how you respect yourself. You can be incredibly giving, as long as you give with no expectation of anything in return, because affection isn’t bought. Make decisions. Lead, don’t follow.

A confident man doesn’t pin his self-esteem on a date. He knows that even though this woman is beautiful and charming there’s a big world out there, and plenty of beautiful and charming women. He has the huevos to make a move—and if she rejects him, he respects her wishes and moves on. He’s going to have the greatest time tonight, and she can come along for the ride or not.

Men with integrity, self-esteem, and direction can be extremely successful with women, and they don’t have to be Jerks to do it. They’re Real Men, and women will take a Real Man over a Nice Guy any day.

Under the new rules, she has to consider you now. (Photo by nDevilTV)

Some light weekend reading: in case you’ve been away from newspapers, radio and TV this week, the big self-help book being promoted to women is Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb.

The good news for men who want a relationship: institutionally, women are being told to “settle.”

The better news for men who want a relationship: you don’t have to “settle.”

What we know is that you can do better, if you’re willing to do the work and improve yourself. A fit, well-groomed, well-rounded man is in demand.

Time magazine interviewed Ms. Gottlieb and touched on a few things that anyone reading Match.com profiles knows is true:

Q: Are women pickier than men?

A: When I asked men and women what they wanted in a partner, men were far more open-minded. They mostly talked about finding someone cute enough, kind, warm and interesting enough to talk to. Women got absurdly specific — he has to be successful but not a workaholic. He has to know how to order wine in a restaurant. He has to be stylish but not too into fashion in a feminine way. And the lists went on and on.

[...]

Q: Do women overestimate their own desirability? Is that part of it?

A: I think they do.

You can read the whole interview for yourself if you have a few minutes. And be ready for the backlash (there’s always a backlash), which is sure to feature a book called Dump Him: The Case for Holding Out for Mr. Right, Even If It Takes ‘Til You’re 80.

Is it Time to Stop Waiting for Mr. Right? [Time]

If you haven’t heard of Howcast, you’re missing out. From how to escape from kidnappers to how to play rock-paper-scissors, it’s a treasure trove of video advice.

Often dodgy advice, sometimes advice you really didn’t need in the first place, but advice nonetheless. They try hard.

How to be Better at Small Talk

For your weekend enjoyment I present some of Howcast’s “how to get girls” riffs, starting with the art of making conversation (aka working a room) with a paper drawing of a woman at a bar. Maybe the dude’s getting back at his girlfriend for running off with the guy from A-ha.

How to Ask Out a Girl

Then, who needs “game” when you’ve got Howcast to show you exactly how to secure a date with the hottest loudly-striped-shirt-wearing babe at the pub? Learn well, because they’re also teaching her how to ignore you. Pay close attention to the pre-asking effort that goes into site selection for the potential date. Apparently he chose the playground.

How to Impress a Woman on a Date

After you’ve procured that hottie and found just the right British East India Company-themed eatery, here are some tips on the wining and dining. You’ll need: money! Oh, and John Waters called, he wants his mustache back.

How to Seduce a Woman

When you really need to bring out the big guns, Howcast’s video gurus have that covered too: tell her you love her and then make her jump out of an airplane with you. Just don’t listen to advice from The Fonz. And I look forward to the pickup gurus taking off with this trend of using cartoon bunnies in their instructional videos.

How to Make a Move on a Girl While Watching a Movie on a Couch

Now, with the economy all bad and stuff, you may want to just have her come over and watch a nice, platonic movie. (Anything whose title begins with Star Wars or Lord of the Rings is plenty platonic.) The goal is to skootch up to her and have your tentacles wrapped around her before she even knows it. That’s where this next video comes in. (Sometimes I think they might not even be taking this stuff seriously.)

And finally, when you follow the advice above a little too closely, here’s what to expect from that one special girl. (Little did I know that an “ex-parte” wasn’t a shindig your old girlfriend throws for you because she’s sorry she broke up with you.)

There are tons more where these came from. If you’ve learned anything today, God help you.

[Howcast.com]

Photo by Stefano A

I don’t want to have to write anything about Tiger Woods and his “woman problem“: I don’t care how famous you are, these things are really between you, your spouse and the eight or nine girls you’ve been sleeping with.

But now that his infidelity has been laid bare, guys are doing their best to make it a biological inevitability that it’s all about a “high status male” trying to spread his seed far and wide. And let’s face it, Tiger has about the highest status of anyone not addressed as “Mr. President.” He’s the richest athlete ever, he’s carved a muscular physique despite playing a sport dominated by beer guts, and by all accounts, he’s been the very definition of discreet…up until he failed to realize how cell phones work.

But that’s not why what happened happened. In reality, he was apparently a lonely guy, away from home for weeks at a time to do his job. As a child prodigy, he didn’t have the same opportunity for a vibrant social life that you and I have had. His life has been spent living and breathing golf. His father pushed him hard to excel in the sport. My guess at his teenage dating life is that it was probably nonexistent.

As an adult, he has the money to do anything he has ever dreamed of. He travels the world. He’s the most successful person at his job and has a face that’s instantly recognized by just about anyone who sees him. This all makes him an “alpha male” in the eyes of the world, whether or not he feels like one. Women want him because he’s rich and famous and not a gargoyle.

The point is that he has enormous pressure, not to “spread his seed,” but to grab the candy that is constantly being shoved in his face. Wow, it’s a hot girl, and she wants to have sex with me now.

What does this mean for you and me?

What can we take away from this and apply to our lives?

Well, first and foremost, if we don’t tell multiple partners they’re the only one, we’re one alpha trait better than Tiger: we have congruence. An alpha won’t sneak around, and will be who he says he is. This enables him to go through life without being caught in (very expensive) lies.

Second, understand that if you’ve come from a life where you didn’t have a chance to date a lot or meet beautiful women, and suddenly you’re rolling in them (and if you work to improve yourself, your social skills and your “game,” this can be you), you may need to get that “wow, it’s a hot girl” feeling out of your system before you get involved in any long-term relationships, especially a marriage. Date around. Sleep around (safely!) if you must. Just do it while being honest and congruent, especially to yourself.

Last, the one person you really need to be in touch with is yourself. Meditate. Journal. Build a life based on what you love and value. Maintain a circle of good friends, and end any toxic relationships with friends or family. The part with the women will fall in place naturally.

And be glad you did these things. I don’t think Tiger had the chance.

Today I dedicate the Hump-day Links to Charlie Davies, who was involved in a horrific car accident the day before the US Men’s Soccer Team played their final World Cup qualifier. In the ninth minute of tonight’s game, the fans paid tribute by standing and cheering while waving cards with a white number 9 (Davies is #9 on the team).

The team tied with Costa Rica tonight (anyone watching the last 30 minutes tonight can never say a tie game is boring), but they’ve already qualified for next year’s World Cup in South Africa. However, they’ll likely be going without Davies, whose injuries are career-threatening. Get well soon, Charlie.

Now we carry on with the links:

• Doesn’t This Cause Them Both to Explode or Something?: A letter to my shallow, reckless, cocky younger self is today’s Simon Cowell writing to young Simon Cowell, assuring him that although he can’t afford that Porsche or house, he soon will, just keep being insufferable because that apparently sells. [Daily Mail]

• From the Rhetorical Question Desk: Is it wrong for men to wear sweats in public? Hell, obese women have worn them to Wal-Mart for decades now, so why not let guys in on some of that action? [Oxford Press]

• Because You can’t Hurt People With Tae Bo: Mixed Martial Arts for Fitness, Not Combat tries to beat the drum for the UFC-watching hordes to head down for some Brazilian jujitsu aerobics. I don’t know about you, but I really don’t care to mount another dude if I don’t have a chance to actually win anything. [New York Times]

• From the ‘Duh’ Desk: Letterman’s sex isn’t a scandal. As an editorial, it’s hardly hypocrisy when you’re full well willing to make fun of yourself when you do it. [Guardian.co.uk]

• We Need a Bigger ‘Duh’ Desk: Dating the boss: Not such a hot idea. What? Really? [Houston Chronicle]

• Let’s Just Build a ‘Duh’ Wing: Men Who Pay On Dates, Get More Play, New Poll Finds is a PR ploy by a new free dating site (Been done!), but still important information for anyone who still finds their mind bent by this “who buys” thing we’ve already covered before. [PRWeb]

• Just Don’t Feel Too Good About That Big Mac: Exercise Improves Body Image For Fit And Unfit Alike is the latest finding from the scientists who are all over measuring this exercise thing. Especially great if you’re not a spring chicken anymore: the mental benefit of exercise gets stronger as you age. [Science Daily]

• Endorsed in Theory: Zappos-inspired startup is all about men’s pants tells us about Bonobos, whose name isn’t that creatively different. They make and sell pants, which they say will help you avoid “khaki diaper-butt” and offer a supposedly liberal return policy. They also call their customer service reps “ninjas,” which I hope isn’t a reference to how they stealthily avoid ringing phones. [NY Times]

• Just Dip It Once and End It: The Perfect Breakup? Well, if you could do stuff perfectly you wouldn’t have to break up in the first place, would you? In any case, it’s a good guide to being a man about it. [Lifehack]

• Sometimes Advice From Women is Actually Good: Texting and your love life features this nugget: “It’s annoying enough when girls do it, but a guy who texts with emoticons may as well be wearing a skirt.” And they actually tracked down that one girl every guy hopes to find: “While he was in the bathroom I got a picture message of him — with no pants on! I thought, ‘I like this guy, he’s so much fun!’” [CNN.com]

You know, now that he thinks about it, he's not so cool with Andie running off after Blane.

I know, I know — the lack of 24-hour Brett Favre hype on ESPN is getting you down. Don’t worry, they can only program the World Series of Poker so many hours a week. They’re just taking a break so everyone can stop hyperventilating. In the meantime, might I suggest you occupy your mind with something productive, which may or may not appear below:

• The Natives Call It ‘Maize’: Does Your Behavior Match Your Words? is one of the most critical questions you should ask yourself. David Wygant asks some thought-provoking questions about what pickup artists call “congruence” — your challenge is to be honest with yourself. [DavidWygant.com]

• Thank You Captain Obvious: 3 Things Men Don’t Like (But Women Seem To Love) is about flowers, phone calls and shopping. Oops, now I’ve spoiled it for you. [YourTango]

• Maybe They’ll Catfight: We recently learned that Fox News has a “sexpert,” and now The Five Red Flags of Online Dating is advice from The Huffington Post’s dating columnist. I approve of these developments on two levels: 1) a little sex (with the right partner) might lighten up everyone involved; 2) “Winkers are wankers” is actually pretty awesome advice. [Huffington Post]

• No Longer Room for Two: Back to Basics | Men’s Shirts Take Off tells us Brooks Brothers will be introducing the “extra slim” fit. Considering how men’s shirt sizes have ballooned over the past couple decades, here’s hoping a slim guy in a 33/16 will finally stop looking like he’s wearing a tent. [New York Times]

• What?: Men nearly 3 times as likely to develop noise-induced hearing loss — especially those who are white and married. Insert wife/Fox News joke here. [EurekAlert]

• Wasn’t Me, Maybe It Was a Spammer: The psychology of the booty call includes this nugget: “women reported receiving more booty calls (although men did not report initiating more).” That’s an easy one: everyone knows that booty calls, like invitations to threesomes, are only just kidding, unless she’s into it. [boston.com]

• Yeah, He’s Number One in My Book: Do Assholes Really Finish First? takes up the case study of unfunny drunk Tucker Max and concedes that the answer is yes, as long as “finish first” is defined as “not having true friends or lovers.” It obviously isn’t defined as “making movies that sell.” Also: even psychologists don’t know what a “neg” is. [Psychology Today]

• Thanks a Frickin’ Lot: Men have been shopping more; now do they want more? is a column by a woman. She seems to be peeved by the fat that men are spending almost as much on clothes as women. Why else would she devote a column to $400 sweaters, vests and kilts (the latter of which should only be worn if you’ve also got a sporran, tam and shillelagh)? She finishes up with the big gun: “mantyhose.” You’ll find me curled up in a fetal position. [stltoday.com]

• Money Can’t Buy You Dating Skills: The Dating Game, Ivied and Pedigreed is yet another article about ivy-league dating, or lack thereof. You think you have it bad? At least you’re not stuck in a room with “clusters of guys and girls just staring at each other,” where everyone complains about how no one meets their high standards, punctuated by someone being mocked because their college wasn’t “plus.” [New York Times]

• Woof, Baby, Woof: ‘All men are dogs’ or are they? asks the age-old question, followed by the kind of answer I’d expect from a college student: “there is a true man out there for every heartbroken, lovesick woman,” and “chivalry is not dead,” thus promoting a new batch of wistfully pining “guy friends.” [North Carolina A&T Register]

One more thing to blame on the French.

The days are getting brisker, the leaves are turning, and overweight guys with helmets are bashing into each other. Of course, that means two things: 1) Fall is here, and 2) Australians are laughing at us.

This week’s assortment of links follows:

• Why Not Just Wear Underpants and Leggings?: Complaint Box | I See London is a gentle reminder, from the seat of US fashion, that girls don’t make passes at guys whose pants don’t cover their asses. If the risk of visible skidmarks doesn’t do it, that should. [New York Times]

• From the Grudging Respect Desk: Fitness guru looks at the bright side of near-death is the story of fitness infomercial guy Tony Little. You think you’ve had bad things happen to you? You don’t know bad. [Denver Post]

• What What in the Butt?: Exercise May Prevent Prostate Cancer just adds to the list of illnesses and other problems that you’ll be less likely to face if you would just get on a regular fitness program. Yes, I’m starting to sound like your mama. [US News & World Report]

• It’s a Socialist Trick: Exercise 30 Minutes a Day? Who Knew! Well, we did, but that’s because we’re not focused on whether or not brownshirts will rush in and unplug Grandma. Making us, well, the smarter ones. [US News and World Report]

• Beans and Saddle Sores: The cowboy life is a look at real cowboys, and suggests that you need more than a new hat and lasso to join them. It also turns out they don’t actually punch cows. [Arizona Daily Sun]

• Tighty-Whitey Insightey: Jockey Shocked World With First Men’s Brief encapsulates the history (with video!) of the underwear now considered to be the men’s version of granny panties. At least now dudes don’t have to walk around all summer in union suits. [PR Newswire]

• Maybe Not the “I (Heart) 4:20″ T-shirt: Job Fair 101: What to wear, bring and ask is for those of us who are still employment-challenged. The advice is standard, but considering the number misspellings I still see on resumés, it’s still good to bookmark. [ktnv.com]

• A Cautionary Tale: “I Never Expected to be One of Those Guys Whose Girlfriend Ruled His Life” is about a guy who let his girlfriend rule his life, almost from the first minute. Tip for you guys: when you find someone awesome and she likes you, remember that you’re allowed to keep being the guy she liked to begin with. [Just Keep The Change]

• Texting is Hard: Appiphilia: IPhone apps to ‘aid’ in dating and mating describes the “Girlfriend Keeper” Phone app, designed to make a girl think you’re thinking of her even when you’re actually thinking of Derek Jeter. “Some of the messages seem to be coming from a socially awkward IT professional.” Huh, d’ya think? [LA Times]